Suggestions on an unsupportive DH?

[mrs_christy]

Hi everyone. I am a little down in the dumps today about alot of things that happened this weekend. I live in a town that has no fast food or restraunts, so it's easy not to cheat because you HAVE to cook your own stuff. Well we traveled to Phoenix Saturday and stayed the night and lemme tell you, I never realized just how unsupportive my DH is.

He began the morning by making 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies for the trip (he made ONLY pizza for dinner the night before and said well if you dont eat it, cook something else). I made everyone eat breakfast before we left so that we wouldn't eat fast food, but when we got 40 miles out there was a Jack in the Box and I had to actually get pissed at the DH so he wouldn't stop and eat.

Then we got to the hotel and he wants lunch so we ask the kids, they say Taco Bell and so he drives there with NO THOUGHT to what I could eat. I ate an enchirito and felt gross after too. Same with dinner, they wanted McDonalds instead of just sitting in a restraunt so I could get something of quality and he never asked me at all. By the time night fall came I was so pissed that I snapped and just growled at him how unsupportive he is. Its like shooting up in front of a druggie. I was sooooo MAD! I can handle the fact that they dont want to change their eating habits even though they said they would, but now they are just downright rude.

We haven't spoken at all today except for a few cross words and mean names directed at me under his breath. I am frustrated as hell. Any words?

[diva girl]

Hi Christy...

This is more common than you might think. You'd think our husbands would WANT us to succeed, that they'd enjoy the change from an overweight wife to a healthy wife. Without delving into your husband's psyche, I can just say that some men are threatened by their wive's weight loss. They have achieved a level of comfort and security that their wive's overweight gives them.

That being said, your dh problem needs to be solved and solved quickly. My approach would be trying to appeal to his better instincts. Try to set aside some quiet time, after the kids have gone to bed or are doing their homework. Turn off the tv and sit him down. Take the time to quietly explain to him how important this weight loss is to you. That it's not just vanity but also a health issue. Explain to him that by pushing you towards these unhealthy choices, it's making you feel isolated from him and the family. Tell him that right now it's difficult for you to resist the fast food, pizza and cookies that he's shoving in front of your nose. Also explain to him that it's not a "forever" thing....that you're not going to ban those foods from him and the family. Tell him that it's temporary and that it would really help if he could find his way clear to being your helpmate and safety net at this particular time. Guys really like to solve problems and if you get him involved in the solution rather than being part of the problem, it might give his ego a boost. It sounds like he's a little insecure right now and is trying to assert himself.

I could be way off base and if I am, just ignore this. Just my 2 cents, anyway.

Lyn

[DAWN]

Hi Christy......I'm new to the site and was banded 10/24/06....I am soooo sorry to hear of your recent grief...What is one of your husband's favorite things???Maybe you should dangle that in front of his face then take it away...See how he feels and explain to him that that is how he is making you feel....Maybe you can next time, take over the wheel and drive to where you want to go or just go by yourself....I know eating alone is not fun, but at least you know that what you are putting in your mouth, you put there and not forced upon you by anyone else....Good luck and I hope I wasn't sounding so harsh....I'm an Italian and I for one say whatever the heck I want to....

Dawn

[margo]

Welcome to my world, Christy.....I live with this on a daily basis since we do live around tons of fast food and restrauants. You have to speak up, girl....my family knows (finally) that if they want Chinese food they have to do it on their own. They know pasta places and sandwich only places will not work well for me. Sure they piss and moan...but, I sit and watch them devour yummy stuff in front of me very day.
I wish I had a positive suggestion for you, but I am going to have to read this thread and hope that someone can help both of us. Hang in there!!!

[barbara465]

Oh this has got to be so difficult. If you were diabetic or had some "disease" that prevented you from eating certain foods he would probably me more understanding. Until he sees that you are serious about the changes you need to make, he will probably keep putting temptation out there.

Next time why don't you pack some safe foods for yourself. They could be protein drinks, peanut butter, cheese, etc. If they insist on eating somewhere you can't then whip out your special foods. Do it with a smile on your face. Maybe when he sees your serious, and that you aren't going to eat that crap, they will make better decisions on where to eat. You could also let them eat where they want and then have them go somewhere where you can get something.

You will continue to get treated that way until you show him how to treat you. Don't let others bully you into situations that aren't good for you.

Good luck.

[paula]

Christy,
I checked your date of surgery - and its faily recent, just 3 weeks, right?

The adjustment phase that YOU are experiencing is something that your family will experience too. Give him a little time. Many many many many times Ive sat with a yogurt cup/protien shake while family had hamburger & fries! OR pizza!
And there ARE things you can eat at these fast food places...
btw:are you still on mushies? here's a few ideas.
Taco Bell - pinto & cheese, hard taco
Wendys - Chili, baked potato
McD's - salad, chicken breast with NO bread, yogurt & nut cup
Pizza - eat the topping only!

Hang in there. Like I said, HE is going through an adjustment as much as you.... and right now he has NO idea HOW to deal with this new way of life!(MEN! sometimes I could choke mine!!!)

[HeatherGurl]

You may not like what I have to say, but here are my thoughts...
I think you should have spoken up and told your family, that is fine if you want to eat that, but you need to take me somewhere so I can get what I need to eat. Also, I hate to tell you this, but this surgery was a change for you... Meaning, they didn't sign on to eat mushies and what not. Almost 1 year out and I still prepare different things for me to eat that DH won't touch. Just a part of life. I feel bad that DH upset you so much, but maybe you should have put your foot down and spoken up that you needed some better quality food instead of just assuming that DH would remember... HE is a MAN, remember that :)
I hope it gets easier for you, but as Paula said, you are going thru a lot of changes and so is he, it will take months to get into the swing of things.

[JoyceGA]

Pull out every practical joke that you remember from your youth.

Starch his shorts.
Put sand on his side of the sheets.
Loosing the shower head before he uses the shower.
Wash his jeans and knit tops in hot water.
Put green dye in his shampoo.


Whip him into submission!!!

Gosh, I think I just realized why I am still single.

[Momotrips]

Christy, I feel for you, I really do, but you have to decide that you can only control yourself. Your family is not banded. They will continue to lead their lives the way they always have. You can only control you. I agree with Barbara and Paula; you can find things to eat at fast food places, they are not the best choices, but they are there. Also, bring your own stuff - you have to be responsible for you. It's harder right now, because it's all new to you - I know, I'm only 18 days out myself. I have fed my family pizza and ceasar salad while sitting at the same table eating my cream soup, I've eaten at a restaurant while they all ordered good stuff and I ordered soup. We are preparing for a trip to Kansas (where no one knows I've had this surgery), I have to plan ahead, particularly for the road trip. We usually stop at this fabulous truck stop smokehouse/bakery restaurant and have BBQ and homemade desserts - I will have to plan something else to bring while the family eats that - it's our regular place and I don't want to have to make them miss out on it for me - they're all thin and can eat just about anything. We also usually stop at a Cracker Barrel, because the kids love to eat their pancakes, and stop there we will. I will check their menu online and see what they have that I can eat - if there's nothing I'll bring TWO thermos' full of soup. I'm also taking my husband to the Four Seasons for an "overnighter" for his birthday this weekend and taking him to our favorite restaurant, where he will have a fantastic dinner and I will order...wait for it...soup. It's okay, I'll just be happy to have a night away from the kids and look forward to our massage the next morning. I may have a bite of a chocolate covered strawberry, though...

I'm not making light of your husband's failure to think of you and your special needs at this time, but you have to realize that it is you that will have to change and adapt, not the rest of the world. That's the part that makes this the hardest. Perhaps that's what he's thinking inside and can't seem to express to you outwardly and is acting out passive-aggressively. He doesn't want to change because you are and that's fair, even though you feel like you're being cheated. He didn't sign up for the band... I know this feeling full well from dieting for so many years. My husband loves sweets and sodas, but he knows how to do all things in moderation - thus he's only ever had to lose 20 pounds at his absolute heaviest. That's something I always struggled with. He can eat 2 cookies - I wanted to eat the whole package. Did I stop buying cookies? No, I had to control my own urges. I just try to buy cookies that my husband and kids like and I don't care for so much. Okay, there really aren't any cookies I don't like, but you know what I mean.

Have you seen the program "Little People, Big World"? It's a reality show about a family where the mom and dad are "little people" (dwarves) and they have 4 kids, twin boys where one is "little" and one is average size and the rest of the kids are average size. Recently they showed episodes where the family went on a dream vacation to Hawaii. The father is handicapped because of deformities in his legs and hands and uses crutches. He sat on the sidelines and watched his family surf, snorkle, hike, outrigger canoe and many other things. He was just happy to see his family enjoy themselves and sit in the sun and look at the beautiful scenery. He didn't want them to not do things because he couldn't. He could only do what he could do.

Another example: My father is a recovering functional alcoholic. He's been completely sober for over 4 years. At first we felt like we couldn't have any alcohol at any of our family get togethers or we would be "tempting" him. We finally came to the conclusion that he is a grown up and is proud of his sobriety and that our drinking in front of him was not going to make him drink. And yes, it may have tempted him, but it wouldn't send him over the edge. None of us have a drinking problem, but when we get together to have holidays, we enjoy good wine or a beer by the pool. No one ever gets drunk. He has told us that it's okay and it doesn't bother him, because he's prouder of being able to just look past the beer and pat himself on the back for being strong and seeing his family enjoy themselves.

I hope you don't think that I'm being insensitive, because I am not. Really. I understand what you are feeling and your feelings are completely valid; however, you do need to discuss this with him openly and honestly, tell him how you feel and how his not at least trying to seem sensitive to your new needs makes you feel slighted and uncherished. He may come back at you with his own hurt that you even EXPECT him to change for you. You have to come to an agreement to each try to be sensitive to each other's needs at this time. You can't expect your family to change just because you have made the decision to better yourself, though. Each person has to make their own decisions about themselves. Food is going to be around us for the rest of our lives and the world, unfortunately, is not going to change and stop tempting us. You just need to get past the hurt and use this to make yourself and your resolve stronger.

Ya know, I think this may be one of the reasons that my doctor makes his patients stay on liquids and full liquids for so long - you end up kind of losing your appetite altogether. My family's food hasn't been too big of an issue for me. Has anyone else had a very conservative doctor that kept them on liquids for six weeks before even starting mushies? Did they feel the same way? Anyone? I'm just not that interested in food - I'm interested in what flavor of cream soup, grits and 60 calorie pudding I'm eating today, but not dreaming of eating anything else or feeling cheated. I've always done well with fewer choices - repetetiveness, kind of like Dawg and his tuna. Am I a freak? Am I so malnourished that my brain isn't working right? Ideas?

[503-250]

Hi Mrs_Christy, welcome to the wonderful world of the banded.

We the few, the proud, the banded have been forced in life to endure the torments of rotten spouses eating what they want and still being thin. We have been forced to sit through long fattening meals with friends and family thoroughly enjoying our grilled chicken and side of steamed veggies. We have been forced to watch the dregs of humanity eat the pizza, steaks, ice cream and cookies that we know were truly and rightly meant for our bellies, however....we chose this road.

The solution is simple, you still have to make healthy choices to eat even when you are in horrible situations like fast food restaurants.

My simple solution is to chicken out and hide in my comfort zone. I carry Slim Fast Meal on the Go bars when we go out to strange unplanned eating events. We recently went to a Halloween party, there was no real food food type food, just candy, chips and crap. I quietly enjoyed my meal bar and re-joined the party and no one had a clue. Although one drunk guy asked me where I got the candy, and I pointed him to the table, i'm sure he had no clue he was missing out on the delight that is the milk chocolate peanut meal bar.

For now you are stuck in the mushies stage which makes it harder, but not impossible. Bring heat and eat soups from campbells, bring protein shake mixes or find soup or chili or other healthy choices. We recently had dinner with some close friends. They made chicken parm, pasta, sausage and garlic bread for dinner. I had some sausage and passed on the rest. I enjoyed some mozzerrella and tomato and I was fine. It will start to seem more normal as you feel more restriction and lose the urge to eat the crap you know will only make you PB anyway.

BUT....with all that said, short sheet that buggers bed, or fill some socks with vaseline. Taking you to a fast food joint right after your surgery borders on cruelty.

On top of my delicious meal bars, I also recommend clif bars, Nabisco 100 calorie packs for snacking, Walden's Farm zero cal dressing, Carnation instant breakfast drink, Trader Joe's 100 cal snack packs (oatmeal chocolate chip cookies or chocolate parrots), Hormel Turkey Pepperoni (18 slices = 100 cals), Popsicle brand sugar free ice pops (tropical is my fav), sugar free jello or pudding and crystal lightdrinks.

[Telly]

Pull out every practical joke that you remember from your youth.

Starch his shorts.
Put sand on his side of the sheets.
Loosing the shower head before he uses the shower.
Wash his jeans and knit tops in hot water.
Put green dye in his shampoo.


Whip him into submission!!!

Gosh, I think I just realized why I am still single.


ROFLMAO!!!!! YOU ARE SOO DAMN FUNNY AND CUTE!:heh: :p :wacko:

[Telly]

I went through this before and all I have to say is.... this will adjust.

I felt my husband was trying to sabatoge me. Why would he go out and get pizza when I am newly banded? Why would he buy ..."buy 1 get 1 free cheetos" when he knows I can't be around that crap. Truth is...I was the banded person, not him. I was the one who made the committment to change my lifestyle, not him. He didn't agree to change. Fortunately for me, it only took 5 dress sizes and a 98lb loss for him to realize he didn't want to be left in the dust. He wanted to be slimmer and healthier with his wife. He's recently been extremely good about the foods he eats and what he brings into our house. The most he brings in now is ice cream. He's changed, but it took some time. He was jealous about the weightloss (he openly admitted to that). He was intimidated by the loss and the workouts.

Your husband is going through alot too. He's probably not sure what to do. He was soo used to you guys conditionally agreeing on foods you liked. Now he's lost. Now what does he get his wife? A chulupa or a Taco Salad? Or wait...is the taco salad encased by actual tacos? Will she be able to eat it? Very difficult to now have to think about what all of you can eat. It's probably very uncomfortable too. Talk to him. Tell him how critical it is to you that you discuss what he orders for you from now on. But don't force your family to change only b/c you are changing. Allow them to make a choice. They will see how serious you are and they will get serious one day too. Kids are soo easy. Though they will not eat alot of good foods, they will follow you and your husbands lead should you compromise and agree.