Band = DIVORCE?

[kristina]

Okay, some moron told my DH today to be careful if i have WLS cause people get divorced after those. :crazy: He laughed it off, but I did some research and sure enough there are many divorces that happen after having these types of surgeries. :eyerub:I know without a doubt my hubby and I are good now, and will be after...but...

I am curious to know what your thoughts are? Do you think there is a relation to WLS and divorce? If so, why?

[ginabobina]

I have heard that too but the way I've heard it is that it can make a good marriage stronger but may increase the problems if the marriage is already in trouble. It is basically because the surgery does lead to a transformation on the inside as well as the outside and that will impact the relationship in some way - it can be a good thing but for some people I guess it is hard to adapt. Some spouses are threatened by their husband or wife losing weight, becoming more attractive and attracting more attention from the opposite sex. I think in any marriage communication is absolutely crucial and keeping connected as you go through these changes is important. It's nothing to be afraid of though - just aware of the fact that when one of you changes, it impacts you both. Great question to throw out there - I'm interested to see the responses!

[Neal R.]

I would answer that yes and no. that clears it up, right? LOL

I think if you have a solid marraige now, it will be fine. I think what happens is a lot of us overweight people lack self confidence and we marry the first person that shows interest. I know I did that with my first marraige. (btw, my divorce came way before WLS). I think as we loose weight, we seem to gain confidence. With more confidence comes the realization that you might have settled for someone less than you desire. The other thing is that some spouces get very jealous and insecure as you loose weight, Again it goes back to how strong the marraige was to begin with. Considering half of marraiges end in divorce anyways, I don't think thare is any suggnificant increase in WLS patients. I think thats the only correlation to the divorce stats.

[MoOrLess]

I agree totally with what Gina said -- and couldn't have said it better. It IS true - the chance of divorce goes up dramatically -- it's something to be aware of - I honestly think it is due to the fact that most people who struggle with weight loss also struggle with self-esteem (or their spouse does) and when the weight issue is gone and/or a lifestyle change is so dramatic sometimes the couple's interests change (ex: exercise versus going out to dinner; a triathalon versus sitting and watching tv or a movie) and then friction arises. Knowing "why" you are pursuing weight loss surgery is the first step to a healthy relationship, in my opinion.

[Patrick]

Kristina, yes, there is a slightly higher incidence of divorce among WLS people. However, I feel, based upon your posts and your DH's occupation, that you will not be among them. You are a very proud Army wife and I know that losing this weight will not only not bother your husband, it will probably cause him to bother you more (you might want to consider how many children you two really want, lol haha). If there is stability in a marriage, which includes a strong faith, there is permanence. You appear to have all of the ingredients in yours and I see a true blessing for your whole family after your successful WLS surgery and your successful journey to the new you.
BTW, Neal did a good job of highliting the weaknesses that lead to divorces. When you think about it, just about any reason probably would have lead to a divorce in most of those marriages.

[kristina]

okay this reaffirms we are safe. :)
i was super thin when we got married, and i am married to a guy that runs 10 miles a day. up a mountain. if anything my weight gain has put a strain on us.

[kristina]

patrick..tell ur wife "sorry." cause i love u. hehe

[Kim G]

We say around our office that a strong marriage gets stronger and a rocky marriage goes away. So it happens but it sounds like you and your DH are going to be just fine. Well that is from what I am reading. :) I married husband large so lossing the weight was differnet for him and I kinda think he likes the "meaty" girls but he is proud of me and has supported me through this whole thing.

Good Luck!!!!

[Patrick]

Kristina, you are always allowed to love your "angel". BTW, that was a super nice compliment. Your DH is one lucky guy.

[WildAlaskaG'ma]

Kristina: Great thread to start and great responses from everyone. I agree with everything that's already been said. I'd also like to add that over and above the weightloss involved and the potential that opens up for jealousy of a spouse, the overall personal growth that WLS sets in motion can be incredible. No relationship can survive in a healthy state unless both parties are on board with that personal growth. It essentially requires both parties to "grow," and if the spouse is afraid of, or otherwise resists, their own personal growth or is threatened by or resents the bandster's personal growth, there cannot help but be problems, regardless of how "tight" they were before the WLS. Good communication will help them/you decide if couples counseling is going to be in order to help deal with this issue.

Judy

[ate2much]

hmmm. ..after 32 years, divorce has never come to mind - but now that you bring it up... LOL :wink2:

[kristina]

LOL Cindy!

[WildAlaskaG'ma]

Cindy, now that cracked me up !!!

Judy

["Just" Paul]

hey... my wife is a lot more sensitive and maybe a bit jealous now... she need not be, but con't help herelf.

She ALWAYS found me handsome... no matter how big I was. But she notices me getting noticed more now. I Jooke about it, and we always tell each other everything... I even tell her when I've been hit on, so we can both get a laugh.
hell, I had to deal with guys hitting on her since we met, so now we're just evening up.

When a friend of hers at work was told about my weight loss, the friend said,
"you must be happy to have him back like he was when you met"

Wife said,
"He was huge when we met,,, I've NEVER known him to be thin until now!"

She now calls me her "second" husband.

[ate2much]

[quote="Just" Paul;121825
She now calls me her "second" husband.[/quote]

LOL - that's cute! I bet it is hard on her - something she has not had to deal with in the past. Make her feel special each and everyday - you have both been through alot together and deserve to continue going through alot together!

[kristina]

aww paul..sounds like you have yourself an amazing wife!

[Dustbunny]

Changes in appearance can be hard to get used to. In our 30's Charlie shaved his moustache, and it was the first time I ever saw him without it. it took me a few days to be able to be with him and not feel like I would be cheating on him with himself.
It would be something to get used to your partner that seemed safe, suddenly turning heads. DB

[503-250]

I flirt all the time (I know you are all shocked) so my wife is used to it, but the funny thing is my wife suddenly had a jealous burst which now has changed to her teasing me about being flirted with.

[HeatherGurl]

I agree with what everyone has said...
I can tell you about my own personal experience though~ My husband was NEVER jealous or checking on me or watching my every move. He is now very jealous, but working on it. He says that he trusts me, but doesn't trust other men??? Whatever that means :)
Communication is the best way to deal with any problems...
Honestly I was laughing last year when my best friend told me that since I was skinny and hot (rolling my eyes here) that I was going to leave Beau and find someone new.
I can see where she is coming from, but not from the looks side of it. Things DO drastically change when you lose a lot of weight.
Like someone else said, our activities and what we want to do is completely different now. I honestly was VERY lazy 3 years ago. Now, I am too busy to be lazy.
If you both love each other and are willing to work thru the issues that arise, you will have no problems!
Best of luck to you girl!

[Alicia521]

It hasn't caused any problems for us. DH might get a bit more sensitive or jealous now but considering I'm very pregnant...that doesn't occur to often..lol. He thought I was beautiful at my biggest so he is just happy for me and likes it when people tell him how "hot" or "skinny" I am. I think if your spouse is insecure then it may create problems. I has with one of my close friends who was banded a month before me. Her DH was very insecure prior to her WLS and now he is always saying that she wants to leave him because she is skinny. It has come to the point where she is ready to do just that...only not because she lost weight. There were other issues there.

[kristina]

wow..i have really enjoyed reading all of your posts...thanks for your input!!

[PhotoNut]

People say they won't change, that they'll still be the same person on the inside that they were when they were obese. I don't see how that's possible though. Our perception of the world changes so much when we are no longer imprisoned by our own bodies, and the world's perception of us (sadly) changes drastically when we no longer look "abnormal". We become more active. People smile at us. Our preferences in food change. We dress differently. We make different choices about even the smallest of things, such as where to sit in a restaurant. We become attractive to others. We walk, sit, stand, and lay differently. We change our hairstyles. You get the picture. All of these things affect who we are on the inside.

When Dawg and I lost a combined 260 pounds, we went thru some startling adjustments as a couple. All of them good *winks* but still adjustments. At first, it was oddly sad for me not to have the man I was so accustomed to holding in my arms. I was used to how he felt. For a while he was thinner than me, so rather than him feeling like the big strong protective husband, ~I~ felt like an amazon woman when we hugged. It made me so sad!

It really is a HUGE adjustment for everyone, not just for ourselves. Our partners, spouses, children, friends, and family members all have to adjust to the "new" us.

When couples are discussing one or both having weight loss surgery, its always a good idea to consider counseling together, if for no other reason than to be aware of the enormous changes that will result. Especially if there are already existing weaknesses in the relationship. Sometimes, that which we believe will make things all better actually puts more of a strain on things.

[bgrand]

After my bypass surgery 6 years ago, and more so after my reconstructive surgery, I went through what i called my "Ho Phase". I just had to have the attention of several men. While I am not married, i do have a boyfriend who is also my best friend in the whole world. I almost ruined that relationship. Then after I gained weight and was preparing for the revision, he asked me if I was going to start seeing the other guys again. I said absolutely not, but deep inside I was really concerned that I would go through the "HO" phase again. Well, I am happy to report, that I must have grown up this last year, because, not only have I rejected any advances from others, I truly have no interest!!!!!
So the "HO" phase is officially over.
PS...even though I thought i was having the time of my life, I really was not.
I am having the time of my life now though and it's not at the expense of my dignity.

[503-250]

I only joined this site because of the ratio of men to women and the rumor that most of the chicas would soon be on the prowl.

OK...so normally I don't post disclaimers, but this was just a jackass comment. I agree with the real theories posted which sum up to:
A bad marriage that is looking for an excuse or a helping hand to end will find it somewhere, so the band isn't at fault, if anything it's twice the gift for some people.

[ate2much]

[quote=503-250;122594]I only joined this site because of the ratio of men to women and the rumor that most of the chicas would soon be on the prowl.

Hey Bear - do you like older women and would you take me to Bora Bora?!! ROFLMAO :neener:

[503-250]

LOL...Cindy...sounds like a plan to me. We can surprise Jess in her room....snorkel up and check out the pressed ham.

(I'm not sure how to define pressed ham without getting P'Nut chasing me with the yard stick...so...basically....google it. The urban dictionary has the proper definition...well at least the first one.)

[ate2much]

:hahalaff::hahalaff::covert:

[Patrick]

Bear - ROFL , man you are great.

[Will]

I like what you said there, Pnut. And Bear too. As far as my husband.....well he's supportive no matter what I do as long as it's contributing to the positive aspects of our lives. He says it's weird for him when we snuggle and he can feel BONES instead of FAT. lol. I don't give my band credit for our growth, I give my self love credit for it. Because once you start loving yourself every thing else just kinda falls into place.

["Just" Paul]

Will... you and your hubby ROCK!


That's such a great way to look at stuff. We can all learn from this.

[WildAlaskaG'ma]

Will: I can tell you are a very sweet person, but I'm not thinking you are giving yourself half enough credit, girl!!! Consider this: How many people do you know who are full of self-love ,,, and they're total jerks. I know a LOT of them. So when you say that once you start loving yourself everything else just kinds falls into place ,,, I say it only seems that way to you because you are a WONDERFUL person to begin with !!! The ones who start out as jerks are still gonna be jerks, and probably bigger jerks to boot, no matter how much self-love they come up with. Personal growth takes maturity and in a relationship it takes commitment to the other person's personal growth too. My guess is, you and your lucky hubby already had all of that, but not everyone does, and many never will get there.

That being said, I do want to also want add that probably the majority of the active contributers to this group already have the maturity and committment to personal growth too. You tend to acquire those things through some of the same processes that made us lose our self-love in the first place. Funny how that happens.

But ,,, enough of my psycho-babble ,,, I just couldn't help putting in my 2 cents worth, cuz I wanna make sure you realize what a very special person you are !!!

Judy

[SpookyJulz]

I think all of the posts on this thread have been great! I think that the changes are definately something that couples need to be aware of.

There was only a 5 month gap between my divorce and my son passing away. After my son, I started to drink and was going out a lot with friends. I went through a "Ho Phase" also. I was single and I was getting a lot more attention than I had ever been used to. And I liked the attention.

After banding and then back surgery, 3 months later I was stressed, on a lot of meds, I couldn't work out and I haven't worked in 2 years. I was becoming insecure again and the "Ho Phase" was trying to come back. It was weird because Tom gives me a lot of love and attention. Luckily I realized to a degree, where my thoughts were going and I went to counceling. I had to get grounded. I had to deal with the real issues, the insecurity and let go of the past.
Of course most of the insecurity revolved around past issues and relationships....not Tom.

So, my point is if you don't resolve past issues they can and will come back with a vengence. I finally realized how much I was making Tom prove himself to me. Which he didn't need to do in the first place. But he did it anyway and now that I can see what I was doing and how he handled my insanity, it makes me just love him more. I also know that the trust issues I had were from past relationships.

The funny thing is the weight loss was minor but for some strange reason it was enough to put my brain into "psycho mode." I know a lot of people who have had weight loss surgery who have become "attention whores" (for lack of a better term). Their addiction to food has now become an addiction to attention or an addiction to sex.

[pageturner]

Hi All, I think this thread is very wise and full of information that can help anyone affected by weight loss, including other family members and some friends for example that we might lose along the way.

Neals comments particularly hit me. I know that I did exactly what he said, "settled" for the best I thought I could ever do. Now that might sound brutal, but the differences that were troublesome to me had more to do with how I was raised in terms of thinking "what" my husband should be rather than "who" he was. I was raised with the expectation that occupation was the key,screwed up, yes, I know.

My husband come from two different social classes, I am highly educated with a doctorate (which I didn't have when we married 10 years ago) He's a high school graduate who never had interest in going to college, though is considering it now.

You wouldn't believe the reactions we got from people which reaffirmed both our earlier experiences about who we could date or not. We met when I was in college and he was a local. He wanted to ask me out but thought I wouldn't say yes, which who knows if I would have or not. Twelve years went by before we met again, twice, before we started dating.

We have talked very openly about the transformation. I've told him I can't possibly know where I will be when I'm done emotionally. I've told my husband I hope our relationship survives and thrives as he does. We've agreed to work to be sure it does.

I do think the level of honesty we have about how we ended up again has been crucial. On June 7th we are renewing our wedding vows. Part of the reason I want to do this is because between doing doctoral work, becoming a faculty member and going through WLS I have completely transformed. I am a much more confifdent person now than I was 10 years ago. Part of that a reason, a big part has been his rock solid love. I think in a good marriage both partners help each other become the best they can be. He is helping me and I am helping him, so I'm hoping we'll be laughing about this when we are 90 saying remember when...

Andrea

[kristina]

These responces are deep. i think i will print them out and read them with my hubby. thank you everyone for being such open books.

[bgrand]

Great responses girls.... Being concerned with going through a "ho" phase again has been quite interesting for me. I went out to have drinks and dinner with a girlfriend last night. She had the need for male attention as she calls it. It was fun to go out and see what is out there, but even more so, was the fact that I was in control and did not have the need to have attention from the opposite sex. I was not waiting for someone to reject me and feel sorry for myself, was not even concerned about male attention at all. Was home by 9pm, sober, sanity intact, and it was just nice to be out with the girlfriend and not have to worry about whether a man is interested or not. I can officially declare that the "HO' phase if over.

[SpookyJulz]

I can officially declare that the "HO' phase if over.

Great Post!! I can totally relate...and I can also say that my "Ho Phase" is over for me also. I'm still a 'HO"...but in a different ways now!! LOL

[bgrand]

YEAH Julz!!!!!!!!!
It feels good doesn't it.

[SpookyJulz]

YEAH Julz!!!!!!!!!
It feels good doesn't it.

Yes in many ways. I am more comfortable with myself and I don't need that attention for validation!!

[kristina]

my husband cannot wait for the "ho phase!" ;)

[WildAlaskaG'ma]

Okay, Kristina ,,, Had my good belly laugh for today. As usual, you ROCK, girl !!

Judy

[SpookyJulz]

my husband cannot wait for the "ho phase!" ;)

LOL...It took me along time to get to the "Ho phase." I used to be somewhat shy. I know hard to believe isn't it~~~

[bgrand]

my husband cannot wait for the "ho phase!" ;)

AS long as it's just "Ho'ing" with him...lol

[kristina]

LOL- i have never been with anyone else in my life...at least willingly.

[Alicia99]

This has been an interesting thread. I married a smokin' hot man, at least I think so...sometimes other girls think so to, which I take as a compliment. I was a little skinny thing when we got married. When this band discussion came up, I have to tell you the funniest thing...my hubby actually had a "nightmare" in which I had lost all the weight, and no longer wanted sex with him because it was not comfortable....LOL. He has made mention that he hopes my weightloss would not cause me to find someone else. Thing is, it couldn't be farther from the truth. My husband is - I will say it again- smokin' hot. I suppose deep down we are all insecure. In my mind, I want to do this so he can have a smokin' hot wife again...I think he deserves that! And somehow, I think without worrying about my weight so much I will want more sex with him! I have no complaints whatsoever, I will not go through a Ho phase, (although I understand the driving force for some behind that) but his concerns are probably pretty widespread among lap band spouses..so much so that some people can not support this for their spouse. At any rate, I said for better or for worse and I meant it.

Anyhow, interesting topic. Poor guy, all this discussion and attention to weight loss has him reexamining his waist line. I want him healthy, but I find him no less appealing with a tummy than without. Just more cuddly.

[SpookyJulz]

I want him healthy, but I find him no less appealing with a tummy than without. Just more cuddly.

Great post Alicia!! I feel the same about Tom. He loses weight easily, He's an iron worker so he gets a good workout at work. He never worried about his weight, then we met. We both love to eat and we both are good cooks. Consequently we both gained weight. I love him regardless of his weight.

[kristina]

Alicia- my husband runs 10+ miles a day, and weight trains 3 times a week, always has. i too was very in shape when we married, and i feel bad that after 3 kids and 11 years, i am 100 pounds overweight. he has never said, but i can tell it has been an issue for him. i too will be happy when i can give him the wife that he married...physically and emotionally.

[Azuredreams]

I kinda wondered about that too. Im glad you brought it up. My husband and I just got married about 3 weeks ago. From the begaining my husband has known that I wanted the lap banding done for health reasons and out of the blue on our honey moon he said that he should get it done too.
I can see how a spouse loosing weight could effect the other spouse. But honestly if it effects them so much to want to divorce then there is an under lyeing issue. Or lack of comunication.

[Gabrielle]

Well, I might as well put my two cents in!! I have been with my DH for almost 20 years and have always been overweight, however I would kill to be as "overweight" as I was in high school when we started dating, I am sure some of you know what I am talking about, right?? Anyway, we both are amazed at my slow transformation. Like when we hug and he doesn't have to stoop, or when I am sitting on the couch all slobby and I can see past my tummy to my feet and I say, "check out this tummy" and he is always saying how tiny I am now (have lost almost 75 lbs in two years, 35 of it since WLS, so have a lot to go). He is flattered when I tell him about getting danced at the club or when his friends tell him how hot I am, please bear in mind I am a size 24 and am 5 ft tall, short and sqatty, boobs and body, is what I say, however had been a 26, oh yeah baby!! He thinks it's sexy when I feel sexy. Am a flirty little thang as it is, and he knows it, but he also knows that I will always come home to him. Have been taking any Ho-ish feeling out on him and he loves it!! Communication is definitely kept us together and mostly happy. Talking about our fears or whatever it is makes us so much closer and being able to go through all the changes together while they are happening, makes a huge difference in embracing our new life together as a couple and as a family.