I am sinking fast

[Diva]

Had my first fill on 9/13, had a about a week of some restriction. Nothing like the great surgery restriction I had for the month of August but still some restriction.
DH and I are under so much stress I feel like I'm continously on the verge of hyperventilating. (he is being laid off in October, I have a job but I don't have health insurance and we are in big trouble). We need the health insurance, he has diabetes, high blood pressure and arthritis. We need the income to survive. Period, plain and simple.
I am scared into being stuck, can't move foward. I am wide open so I find myself eating more. When I found myself able to eat more, I started to eat things I was afraid to eat before like pasta, grilled cheese, cake. I gained 2 pounds in a week.
I am an intelligent, bright woman. But I have never lived up to my work potential due to my weight. I am afraid of the rejection, like this is my dream job but they won't hire me because I am too fat so I better not apply until I lose weight. I am also older so I am doubly afraid of age-ism in addition to fat-ism. So I am stuck and time is going by very fast.
I need a fill and soon. I am calling the doc today. I can't keep eating like a I have no band albiet not exactly the same amount it still keeps me from totally pigging out like pre-band. I know that it takes a few fills to get to the sweet spot, I know that.
I am so upset about everything. The job my DH had was the dream job he had been waiting for. Due to grant money it has to be cut. I am so down and he is so down yet we try to be upbeat for each other. We are trying to be upbeat with our families. I am already on Wellbutrin so I do know I have the tendency to become depressed and stuck and procrastinate horribly.
I was so excited to get my band, so positive about the future and now I can't even bring myself to use the scar stuff, the box just sits there.
I am trying to kick myself in the butt, get going and find another job asap with benefits. I just needed to vent. I have got to get out of this quick sand.

[Goannabanda]

:cheer2: :hug: Hugs for you Diva. Let's see if I can help you feel better, and give you just a little nudge :boink: (kick in the butt???) to get you moving again.

I am prone to depression too - I find at times I have to force myself to get up and do things, but once I have gotten going, I always feel better. I am sure you know and understand that concept well.

I also understand how much strain unemployment puts on family life and marriage - we had 5 years of my hubby being in and out of contract work after his "safe lifetime" job was made redundant, and until he could get a permanent ongoing position. His industry went through some really tough times, dragging us along with it. This time last year we were facing losing our house. Now things are better, although we still have to watch our budget daily. We are getting there, and you will too.

Don't let your fears of fat-ism and age-ism hold you back. You have made terrific progress - 30 pounds lost!! You wouldn't want to work for a company who was fat-ist or age-ist anyway, would you?? This is a terrific opportunity for you and your hubby to go and do what you really want. Hold your head up high and own your dream job before you even get it. The right position will come your way, and for your hubby too. Get that fill you need, at least that will be one less thing for you to worry about.

Time to pick yourself up and get out there and make things happen for you. You know this will help you feel better, and will be a benefit. You've just got to do what you can to get the changes you need started, and hang in there long enough to enjoy the rewards. We're cheering you on with love and faith that you will achieve what you need and want to do.:cheer2: :cheer2:

Now go for it.:hititbanana:

[Mrs Sabre]

Diva, I am truly sorry you're having a hard time, but this is no time to be timid! We're here for you, but you have to grab those boot straps and pull! You can do this! Go get that job! You're a smart, beautiful woman :nod: ... period, end of story. Age and weight are not a part of the equation.

Now here's a big hug :hug: Go get `em!

[Diva]

Thank you both. The fact that you both bothered to answer this means more to me than you know.
I'm hanging in. Your words mean a lot.

[DebbieChoos]

Diva

I had missed this earlier in the day - I am sorry that you are going through some trying times. My thoughts will be with you. You and your husband will need each other more now than ever - but don't sell yourself short through all this. You took a tremendous step forward with the band, you still need to think about yourself. Do not give up!

Always remember - Per wikipedia: Diva is the Latin and Italian word for "goddess", the feminine form of the Latin word divus (= "god").

Debbie

[Telly]

Diva,

You are a beautiful lady and you present yourself very well through your words and your attention to detail to threads where other people are in turmoil or needing advice. You should know that you do this for others. You are a light here and I am very sure that someone, some employer somewhere will see that in you as well. Go into your job interviews with full confidence. You can do this. They will hear your confidence and see it shining through. You just think of not landing a certain job as..."it wasn't meant for you" kinda thing and just keep trucking till you and your employer find a mutually good fit.

[housecatgirl]

Hang in there Diva. Things always change and whatever happens keep your chin up and roll with it.:nod:

[Momotrips]

Diva, I agree with Telly. Too bad you can't turn in printed transcripts of B2G and LBT with your resume. If you did, everyone would see what a fantastic person you are and what you perceive to be your stumbling blocks would be rendered moot. I have enjoyed every one of your comments since I first noticed your existence over on LBT. You are so quick-witted and probably more often than not, the smartest person in any given room. You would most certainly be someone I'd want to sit down with for a long evening to talk the hours away (a great mojito or martini would finish off the scenario quite nicely).

Please don't let this get you down on yourself - we won't let you. Now, step away from the grilled cheese and cake and no one gets hurt!

Remember you always have all of us here that lurve you! :love:

Member Diva's Cheering Squad:cheer2:

[Telly]

Yeah, I did see the grilled cheese and cake thing......

*pulls out her whip*

[Diva]

Thank you guys. I'm really taking stock today. Everytime I check this thread I start to cry. Not from being sad but being grateful. Grateful for all of you. I lower than low this morning. I am still upset but not so panic stricken. I'm trying to get a fill appt. (Ouch! Telly I felt that whip!)
One of the the things I do is run a writing group at an assisted care facility. The women are fantastic, in their 90's or very late 80's. (not so many men left) Thier memoirs are so great! Their minds are fine, no alzheimers or dementia. Its their bodies that are letting them down.
They have taught me a lot about living in the moment. That we need to be happy during the time we're given. For so many years I lived in the future. "When I lose weight" was a recurring theme.
They are all in some pain but its how they handle themselves that is so amazing. Some are doom and gloom, others keep on going no matter what. They've told me its all in the choice we make.
I need to choose to be open to this change and not fight it so much. And I need to get a damn fill.
But right now my heart is filled. I very rarely reach out. Thanks for reaching back in.

[dawg]

The best thing I can say here is what I truly believe.

Everything happens for a reason, and it is for the best.

I've had many life changing moments, some of them apprantaly bad which have turned out truly remarkable.

I will be thinking of you both, and I have no doubt you will both find success.

[Kathy]

Diva, I think you Rock. I really do! Here's a big ole squishy (((hug))) since I don't always know what to say or how to say it...but I can hug. :love:

["Just" Paul]

Diva...

Go on out there and Kick ass and take names!

You are da bom! We all believe in you here, and know that the best for you is just around the corner. Dawg is right on the money, things happen for a reason... and better times will be right around the corner, I really believe that.

Now... go on, get out there... comeon... you can do it... Better start moving before Telly kicks you in the behind!

Believe in it, and it will happen.

All my best.

[Diva]

You guys are just what I needed!
Scheduled my second fill for next Wednesday the 4th with my own surgeon (we can choose a fill clinic with the luck of the surgeon/PA draw or our own doc on their particular day).
Home from work early zipping up the resume.

Again, I don't reach out that often-its a wonder and a blessing that you all have reached in to me.

Thank you

[jacelogic]

The best thing I can say here is what I truly believe.

Everything happens for a reason, and it is for the best.

I've had many life changing moments, some of them apprantaly bad which have turned out truly remarkable.

I will be thinking of you both, and I have no doubt you will both find success.

I am positive that God will make things even better than before. Also, I have noticed that the band works better for me under stressfull situations. I tend to want to eat less and less and get full quicker with the band under stress. Take care of yourself and your family and God will make a WAY! Hugs

[wavydaby]

Diva,
You'll get past this! I will keep you in my thoughts!
Something you should consider though, Wellbutrin worked for me for a while, then all of a sudden, I started getting panic attacks from it.
I was on it for weight control not depression though, not sure if that is why, i went wacky on it.
Hang in there girly!!!

[DebbieChoos]

Just checking on you to see how you are doing - the tone of your posts have improved imensly over the past week. Your fill is scheduled for tomorrow, that should help with your restriction and your mental well being.

We are all thinking of you and rooting for you to get through this!! Keep us updated!! And Amy is having a b2g party in a couple of weekends, book your tix now!

Debbie

[Kathy]

One of the the things I do is run a writing group at an assisted care facility. The women are fantastic, in their 90's or very late 80's. (not so many men left) Thier memoirs are so great! Their minds are fine, no alzheimers or dementia. Its their bodies that are letting them down.
They have taught me a lot about living in the moment. That we need to be happy during the time we're given. For so many years I lived in the future. "When I lose weight" was a recurring theme.
They are all in some pain but its how they handle themselves that is so amazing. Some are doom and gloom, others keep on going no matter what. They've told me its all in the choice we make.
I need to choose to be open to this change and not fight it so much.

I think THIS is soooo great. Those ladies, and you, inspire ME from afar! Don't forget these lessons learned. It's the beauty of aging. Rock on, Diva. I'll keep cheering for you! And keep us posted on your fill tomorrow. :nod:

[diva girl]

Dear Heart,

We are with you all the way. Through thick and thin, good and bad times. You have been there for so many others and I agree with whoever said it before me that you're one smart woman.

I know that life can sometimes be overwhelming and that money problems can seem to be the worst problems in the world. My experience is that if you have patience and are open to it, you can see that one door closes but another opens. Keep your eyes peeled for that door opening and walk right in.

You're terrific! We're behind you.

Love and big huge bear hugs,

Lyn

[Diva]

You all make cry (in a good way not bad). Thank you all so much. I'm off tomorrow, going into Boston to get my second fill. (I live about 10 miles outside Boston proper so I take the train, I love mass transit!)

Got some resumes out. DH is hanging in. He is such a good guy.
Your words mean so much to me, I can't explain. I know it will get better. I just know it.

I'm still losing even though I ate some fattening stuff, but nowhere near the amount I used to eat. It's funny, as I lose weight I look younger! Wierd huh?
Now if I could just start reading fine print again without holding the paper at arms length or reading glasses, I'd be good to go. hee hee hee
I'll keep you all posted

Thank you

[DonnaB]

Hi Diva - I don't know how I missed this thread.

I couldn't agree more with everyone else who has posted here - you're an amazing woman who never fails to support a person in need, and your wit and intellect are constant source of delight! I can't imagine any employer not recognizing your value, everyone here sure does!

Let us know how your fill goes and if we can help you proof your resume in preparation for a wonderful new adventure in this whacky and sometimes wild ride called life!

We all love you and are happy to be here for you.

[aaamom]

Good Luck with your fill. Will be thinking of you......
It's going to be a beautiful day in Boston-80 degrees!!!!
Enjoy the train ride!