Headed for Divorce

[Telly]

Anyone possibly traveling down the road to separation or divorce due to weightloss? Please share if so.

[Telly]

This is very personal information that I am sharing here..that I maybe shouldn't put out there but I think if I just threw it in my own face and publicize it, it will solidify my feelings and help me be stronger. Maybe I could open the doors for different perspectives on what's going on here at home. Please help, by all means say anything you want to about what I am posting here.

Unhappiness: Sadly, there is no real love, excitement, romance, affection, sex in my life. My relationship with my husband has been slipping away for years, thinking back, I'd say 4 years, that's how old my daughter is.

Rushed Courtship: We met in April, 2001 when I moved down from Brooklyn to Orlando. I kinda wanted to feel my way around, date a few folks, go out and just have some fun. Finishing up school and leaving my NYC problems behind me meant starting a new life. We had a very quick courtship, not a real opportunity to get to know one another or really date before a pregnancy came about. Yes, that's right, 3 months later I became pregnant. Bad I know. It was our carelessness.

Obligations: A few months later we buy a home. Trying to still date and get to know one another was even tougher now. We were strangers still and now with a baby. We had a new instant family, a new home new jobs and a stab/attempt at a settled life. I feel we just kinda started all backwards.

Whatever we were building or had when we first met, turned to hell, obligations, business and just survival. We never really had the chance to fall in love. If we had, I would find that our humor and personalities clashed heavily. I would have found that we didn't share the same interests with regards to healthly living and healthy eating, movies, life..... More so, I would have found that we weren't really in love.

Hitched: 2005 we finally agreed to get hitched. Our daughter was 4 and I was a business owner who needed insurance benefits. We had talked things over for months. Seems pretty lame of us to marry for peripheral reasons when it should have been for love. I know in my heart that marriage is not about who can pay your bills, it's about sharing a life and being a witness to someone's life that you truly and deeply love.

Biting the bullet: I've been sleeping in my daughters twin bed since January of 2002. For many reasons, I'm sure you can use your imagination. I've tried in soo many ways to rekindle some kind of spark between myself and my husband but to no avail, there's nothing. It's gotten worse for the past 9 months.

One of the major reasons I had the surgery was so that maybe I would look and feel better and maybe, just maybe he would be more attracted to me, maybe touch me more and show me some much starved for affection. Trust me I have tried to make things happen, only to be shut down and rejected

Weightloss: To date I've lost 83lbs. You would think my new found confidence and new body would intrigue him. It doesn't. You would think that his hands would be all over me, but no. Not true. I could count on one hand how many times I've been shown some kind of affection in the past 9 months.

Recent weight loss changes: At some point I thought maybe he had gotten intimidated by my weight loss and hated my changes. I don't know, maybe he was jealous?!? It seemed that some of the weight I was losing, he began to gain. I begged him to come join me on my runs, jogs and walks. I didn't want to leave him out. I wanted him there with me but I realized soon..that he just didn't want to. There was always an excuse as to why he couldn't go with me. I finally convinced him to join the gym with me. Sadly, he's only been one time in the 3 months since he's joined :( I go 3 days per week, on his days off. If he's off of work then why can't he come with me? I try to get him involved with my daily shinanigans of just being active but I'm refused, always. It seems that all he wants to do anymore is come home, eat, sit on the sofa and play on the computer and fall asleep there. I've noticed that I no longer want to sit and watch t.v. with him. I'd prefer sitting behind my desk and post in forums and chat with my sister and a couple of other close friends.

Am I beautiful? He never would ever tell me I was beautiful unless I picked a fight with him about why he never said I was beautiful He never once, not once said to me "you are losing weight or wow you are looking good baby" unless I asked him. He doesn't notice me and when I talk, he doesn't hear me. He's tuned me out. I gave up talking to him. Now, if he knew me as well as he SHOULD know me, then he would know to tell me these things every now and then. I mean what woman/wife wouldn't want to hear how beautiful her husband thinks she is, even if she isn't?

I lost him. Not sure what went wrong but I know that weight loss and new confidence is what went right.

I'm headed for a separation and ultimately a divorce. I put this out there for my friends and family to see in case they want to know the real truth behind why Leo and Telly are living separately now.

[NotSoFunny]

Telly I know your struggles, and I am so sorry that you guys are going through this. You are in my thoughts, girl, and I want you to stay strong through this. You ARE beautiful! and amazing! In a lot of ways, not just with the weight loss.:hug:

[Tricia K.]

Telly, I'm sorry that you are going through this and that I haven't been there for you the past few days. Please remember that I love you dearly. :love:

[SandraDee]

Oh Telly. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. It's like you are living as roommates. Believe me, I know the feeling. There are a couple of things wrong in my marriage right now, that I know need to be addressed. I am the one with the problem. Maybe he is going through some type of depression. I know when I feel down, I kind of seperate myself from everyone, kind of like what he is doing sitting in front of a screen all day. It's hard to motivate someone when it just isn't in them. I think you need to talk to him about it, or maybe you've already tried. I hope you guys can get through this. Stay strong and keep your head up. You are doing great in changing your life and getting healthy:).

[BigGirlPantiez]

I deleted my previous reply after reading your long one Telly. I just felt is was trivial compared to yours.

I am really sorry you are going through this and truly feel for you. I will send you a PM with my other thoughts.

[Idahobeauty]

Telly, you are so awesome. I am so sorry that this is what is happening in your life. I can't tell you how much you are loved here. You are such an inspiration to the banded and pre banders alike. I know I have told you before that you are not only beautiful but georgeous! Please know that each and every one of us are here for your support.

[LindaV]

Oh Telly! You and your family will be in my prayers! I'm sooooo sorry you are going through this.

[Kathy]

Awwww Telly. I suspected something like this was going on, based on a few of your recent posts. I'm so glad you shared, so we can support and encourage you. (((((hugs)))))

[NurseTeresa]

Telly, I am so sorry that you are going through all this. Its not easy but know that we are here and we love you. If you need me just holla. You have always been there for me and I am here for you! I just pray that you know how beautiful of a person you are both inside and out. You have a wonderful heart and well.........ya know how I feel boutcha in the looks dept. Ya just GEORGOUS GIRL! Wish you all the strength and wisdom that you need in the upcoming days. Keep your head up! We all make mistakes some just bigger then others. So that said, don't be hard on yourself for some of the things that have transpired. We are only human!

[Telly]

Thank you all for your kind words. Thank you for being here for me at a very tough time in my life. It's nice to know you have friends, even if you've never really met any of them. Thank you friends.

If anyone has any perspective on what I am going through, maybe through the eyes of my husband, please by all means, share with me. I'd like to know what you think he may be doing, going through...etc.

I wondered if he was cheating but then I allocated his time. He's either at work or here on the sofa.

I also wondered if he was depressed, but he always seems laid back and unbothered by anything happening around him. I am unaware of depression symptoms and I'm researching.

Maybe too, we just lost it and this is as good as it gets.

Please share. I'm desperate for your take on this.

[Stefunny]

The only thing I can think of is that he feels you are moving on to another stage in your life by getting healthy. But, it seems like you are trying to inclued him in that so... I'm not sure. Have you asked him what the deal is? Is counseling an option?
It sounds like something deeper is going on with him. It takes alot for a guy not to be interested is sex. Wish I could help. My husband has gone through the same things with me beacuse of my weight issues. The man is a saint for sticking by me!

[Diane]

Hi Telly!! I am so sorry you've been going through this. My husband and I have had lots of ups & downs in our marriage. We have been in marriage counseling off & on for over 6 years. You are smart to want to be able to see things through his eyes.

If we had not sought out counseling, I am not sure where we would be. My husband grew up in a family with lots of abuse & I really needed to understand him more & see where he was coming from. Seeing things from his perspective truly helped me understand where he was coming from.

If you are able to, I would seek some professional help. It could be that he is feeling the same way, but doesn't know what to do either. This marriage could be save-able.

My sister told me some valuable info. that has really made an impact on me. She was divorced 7 years ago & her situation sounded very much like what you described. She is now remarried. She told me that just because you get divorced, your problems don't go away. You will be tied to that man forever because of your children. And, when you remarry there's a whole new set of problems to deal with. She said it would have been easier to deal with the problems of her first marriage then to add new ones.

I don't know if this helps or not, but I thought I'd throw it out there. I hope you find the happiness that you soooo deserve!!!

[A1ikou]

Aaaah Telly, I'll join the voices saying so sorry you are in the middle of all this right now. You're a strong, beautiful and focused woman who deserves all the success she is achieving and then some.
There can be so many reasons why your husband ir acting and reacting the way he is and I agree with Diane that if in your heart you want understanding and to make things better then some sort of outside professional help would be best.
You deserve to be loved and treasured for who you are and who you are going to be...
I hope things work out the best way they can for both of you.
You're loved and respected by so many of us...if you want anything, just ask.

[dawg]

I'll throw in some cents (but little sense) from my own personal viewpoint.

Telly, thank you for being so open and honest and sharing with us. I can't imagine how tough it was to post this thread.

The one thing that leaps into my mind when i read your account is "what is he saying'?

I understand that you are feeling nothing but chill in the air between you, and I'm sure he's feeling it to. Maybe he isn't - I have to tell you that I understand men about as well as I understand women.

I have no doubt you've asked him where it all went wrong. Is he even willing to talk about it? It is possible he feels threatened by your success, cornered by obligations (something you seem to feel yourself), and trapped in a loveless relationship.

If I interpret your tone correctly in your post, you sound like you have already made your decision, or are at least 90% sure.

I don't know you well, and I know your husband not at all. Communication is everything in all relationships. If he isn't willing to communicate with you, maybe a counsellor would help.

Maybe you have already asked him, but what does he want?

I know there is little in this post that can be helpful, but I will be thinking about you and your family.

[barbara465]

Telly you have had excellent information given from many. I will just add my own observations. From previous posts of months ago I formed the opinion that you are one strong women, intent in your own improvement program, and allow little room for a misstep. I also formed an opinion that your husbands family was consumed over food, the amount of it, the variety of it, etc. I got that from some posts about dinner with them, etc.

I know that once a couple is estranged (separate bedrooms, separate activities, etc.) it is difficult to come back together. I think talking to a counselor, even if it turns out to be just you, is a good thing. It may not bring you together as a couple, but it will help both of you understand what kind of relationship you can have in the future. After all, you are bound by a child so you will have some type of interaction.

Male egos are just as sensitive as female egos. Since you haven't talked about the issues, you really don't know if he is going through something physical on his own. He may not be feeling "capable" of satisfying the new you, let alone the old you. Until all things are talked about and brought to light, you are only second guessing.

As you know from your own experience, others cannot motivate us to eat less, exercise, or take better care of our bodies. We must take that responsibility. The more you "hound" him to participate, the less likely he will.

That being said, this marriage may not be able to be saved. You might not be able to get beyond the past, the circumstances of your togetherness, to move on into the future. You do owe it to yourself, and to your relationship, to explore all avenues. Be honest with your feelings and let him be honest with his. You might not end up with the ideal relationship, but something that works for both of you.

Your honesty in this post shows you are willing to explore and to take responsibility. Give him a safe place to do the same.

I wish you the best in this most difficult journey. No matter what the result, the openess in which you are moving forward, will take you far.

[JoyceGA]

Telly, I just join the chorus of wishing the best for you. Don't let the stress of this situation pull you down.

You are strong and confident. Don't change.

[Telly]

Yes. Funny thing now is since we have separated, he took the liberty of downloading yahoo Instant messenger and while during his work, has been communicating with me as of yesterday and today.

We initially met via aol, chat room. Since we have met, we have stopped chatting online together. We have been doing so for the past few days and it is really helping us to communicate. It's very difficult to talk to him in person now as we both only cry, unable to have a conversation.

I have asked him about what he thought about all of the things I have pointed out that is ruining us... and he told me that he thinks he has failed me. He stated that yes, he knows that everything I pointed out is factual, however he thought that every marriage just settles down and is quiet that way. I redirected him to look at his mother and father. His mother still sits on his father's lap and hugs him, talks to him and just very noticeably loving to one another. Here we are, 5.5 years into our relationship and I don't think weve ever been that loving to one another. I hate comparing but truthfully, it's what my idea of "Love & Affection" is all about. It's about expression, sincerity, appreciation, affection, consideration, honesty and involvement, communication and trust.

He told me that I was his world. That I am all he ever thinks about when he's at work. Thinking of this ..in my mind I can only see myself answering, "Well why does that change when you open the door and enter into the house? We never talk. We barely ever touch. We never sleep together. We don't even eat together anymore" I didn't say that but that's what I was thinking. I know that being completely negative will not fix our situation. I need to stay optimistic. I also need to allow the idea that maybe its me or maybe it's both of us. Maybe it's him.

I know I don't put 100% effort in the pursuit of fixing things. I admit I will try but will become discouraged 50% of the way. If I see he has no interest in anything then I get upset, but I move on. I don't hold grudges and I don't linger on the problem for more than a few minutes, but I find that it always comes back. It builds up inside of me till I explode about it. I have to say that I think I "explode" because I am unable to communicate with him. I just leave it alone if he won't talk and then over time, I let it build up. It's not good but if you have no options then what do you do?

He asked me to help him find a therapist. I am doing that today, for both of us.

I wouldn't say it's over. I've asked him to leave though. His parents moved to Arkansas and so their home is fully furnished but empty, at least for the next 3 months. I asked if he would agree if he moved over to his parents for awhile and that we attempt to date one another, with and without the kids. Since when he comes home and the time is pretty lost in t.v. and internet, with no "US" time, I've recommended that we allot some time just for us daily or every few days, whatever he wants so that we can see if we really want to get to know one another and make this work. Does that sound weird?

[Telly]

By the way Barbara, his family are HEAVY eaters! They will make beans, rice, fried plantans, tostinos, pulled/baked pork, carne asada and some other things I cannot spell just for 1 meal. It's crazy..yes they EAT! He is encouraged to eat up b/c the mom hates to see people eat just one plateful. It makes her proud and happy to see her kids eat till they bust. LOL, she actually gets upset now that I cannot eat all of that food.

It's a necessary evil but I do attend dinners with them, even though my plate looks like a gourmet prepared meal with 3 peas and some teriyaki sauce.

Thank you for the comment about me being strong willed and intent on my own regimine. I do find that it's the only way I was able to overcome the beast of food in this family. Work hard, play hard, eat right and take no prisoners kinda attitude. I've always been that way with everything. I manage my employees that way as well.

[Telly]

Again, thank you Dawg, Diane, Ali, Stefunny, Barb, Joyce, Funny, everyone that has chimed in.

[dawg]

Sounds like you two are trying to understand where each other are coming from. Seems far from wierd to me.

Good luck telly, I'll be thinking about you.

[HeatherGurl]

Oh Telly! Big *HUGS* to you!!!
I hope everything works out in the way that is best for everyone. We are here for you!!!!!

[barbara465]

I'm so happy to hear some positive steps are being taken. You might not get together as a couple, but certainly you will come to know each other a little better. I love the idea of dates and getting out of the routine. That is a great step to take. The fact that he wants to see a therapist is also another good sign. Remember, he did say you are his world. Treat that information with dignity and don't use it against him. Give him a safe place to voice his feelings. Don't throw anything back at him that he shares.

My husband spends too much time in our office, watching TV and on the computer. He can be watching the same program as I am. I voiced my concern and my loneliness. I told him how upsetting that is to me. Doesn't have to spend all his time with me, but some time. He is now making the effort. It takes me a while to voice my deep down feelings, but I'm so glad I try. It makes for a healthier relationship.

Hang in there. Sounds like positive steps are being taken.

[Mrs Sabre]

Good luck and God Bless! My thoughts and prayers go with you!

[jacelogic]

Telly,
We have shared a few thoughts since coming here and never in a million years would I have guess. :( Telly, we share something in common (AGAIN). I too have found myself in the same situation. The difference is that I have lost interest in my husband. I am consumed with my kids and dropping this weight. Because when I was heavier, my husband lost interest in me. He even told me that he found it hard to be sexually attracted 2 me. Now that I have started to drop the weight. He is constantly touching me and coming on to me. But, I am turned off by him. We have had our share of ups and downs in the past and it has completely zapped me of any attraction that there may be. We just started counseling through my church and I am reading a book that addresses these things.

Change
Sometimes as a wife or a husband we have to be the first to change in order to see the change in our spouse. We may not share the same religious preference. But, the same concept applies to all marriages. I hope it all works out for you. Because as one post stated earlier. Moving on does not fix us. It really just adds to the many situation that we will face in our relationships. The problem here is that we might have a new relationship. But, we still bring "US" to it. I don't want to go on and on dear. I cherish the person that I have gotten to know and if you believe you can never fail @ anything in life then you will win @ this! Read this book. The book is entitled "Why should I be the first to Change? By Nancy Missler. The Publisher is Koinonia House. I wish you well. Marriage is tough no matter who we are. I will keep you in my prayers and send you a PM too. Hugs

[503-250]

Wow Telly, I hate to be a “me too” type of person, but I am so sorry to even think you are having this kind of emotional stress. I can't imagine having the strength for both of these things at the same time.

My only insight outside of what I’ve read here is that as a man I do get lost in my TV and my laptop, and even sometimes a video game or magazine. It's the way I shut out the world for a few hours to alleviate the nightmare that my day can be. My wife of course can be part of that despite the fact that she is the most wonderful woman on earth. Some days I want to just sit outside and hide in a lawn chair and have a cigar and hope she doesn't find me with today's whining nuisance stress issue. Later I will find her and now that I have relaxed, I will see if I can't help her relax, other days I will invite her to my hiding spot or mind erasing type event (TV internet video game) and try to have the two of us just go blank for a while.

Your husband sounds to me to be depressed, no man can go this long in a house with you and not want sex. I'm not trying to be an asshole here, I’m being honest. He was attracted to you before (with good reason) and now you are just improving every day. The only honest sincere reason I can think of for that is depression.

Men don't get depressed like women do, we don't cry, we don't share, we aren't open, we shut down. We sleep, read, watch TV and avoid all reality. Perhaps more then anything else he senses the distance growing between the two of you and it is killing him as much as it is killing you. If he isn't willing to do something about it (I love the dating idea btw) then he isn't willing to save what you have together.

I have said it in other parts of the forums here, there is nothing that I would value over my wife. That includes my health, my home, my car, my TV, my computer and my life. If I had to I would step in front of a train for her without thinking. She is the reason I get up every morning and she is the thing that keeps me going every day. If he doesn’t feel that way about you then this is his loss.

I don’t say this lightly, because I don’t believe in divorce. I think many people get married because it is “the next step”. We’ve been dating for 8 months we should get engaged soon, we’ve been engaged for a year we should be married. Well if you’re not in love, and you are being loved then there is no next step. Unfortunately, marriage like everything else in America is becoming fast food, quicker faster easier and if you don’t like it throw it away.

I don’t think this is the case with you, I think you have tried as hard as you can. You need to hand him the ball and say, “here are the things that I think are wrong and I need your help correcting them, or I need your help packing your shit”.

Telly you are a wonderful, beautiful, talented, driven woman and if I had not tricked my wife into marrying me I would be driving to you to steal you away from your husband, and I would be lucky to have someone as amazing as you.

[Pinkylee]

Telly,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. All the best

[mysherrijo]

Telly,
I've admired you since the day I joined LBT and here as well. You seem to really have it goin on. You are a very, very, beautiful lady. I don't know you personally but I know from what I have read you seem like a very likeable, intelligent person. I hope and pray for all of your sakes you guys can work this out. I know you are trying and you should be commended for that. Marriage can be a hard thing, I've been married this year will be our 25th wedding anniversary, so I know about all of the things that can happen and I know you guys can work this out. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

[aaamom]

Telly~not much more I can add that has not already been said. You are strong, beautiful and determined. No one knows what's best for you except for YOU. And I know with time, the two of you will figure out what that is. I admire you and wish you the best.
hugs girlfriend
stay strong

[Goannabanda]

Telly - my heart goes out to you.
My experience relates to deep depression my husband had after being retrenched from his "safe lifetime" job. It took almost 5 years to love him through that phase and out the other side. Those 5 years of upset, anger, emotional torment are more than cancelled out by the man I have got back, and the relationship we have now. Hang in there - you are doing the right things - your rewards will be wonderful, whatever they may be.
Prayers and good wishes to you.

[Kim G]

Just a quick note to say I am thinking of you. I have read all the post and can't say much more then what was already said. I will continue to pray for you and yoru family. Things will work out the way they are suppose to.

[Diva]

You have the inner strength to do what you feel you have to do. The eternal questions are: Are you better off with him or without him? "Is there a flicker of a flame left if there was evidence of a change?
I echo those who suggested counseling. It will either set you both on the track back or ease the way for a break up.
Divorce is never easy, even when you are the one who first wanted it. It's a life changing experience rated high on the life stress scale. I thank God every day I divorced my first husband but it was still very difficult.
I look back and say I gave it my best shot.
No matter which way it goes you've shown us you have the inner fortitude to move foward with or without him.
My DH gave his 2 cents-he said your husband sounds stuck, fearful to move in any direction. So he does nothing and cannot explain himself.
Telly, you have good thoughts coming at you from all corners of the world. It will be ok one way or another.

[Susan]

Hi Telly,

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now. I also admire you for being able to admit there is a problem and wanting to face it head on. It takes a lot of guts to do that. I can't add much more than what everyone else has. You need to look at what is best for you and what makes you happy. Trust me, life is too short to be miserable. I ignored all the signs and didn't realize how unhappy I was in my first marriage until after my ex had an affair with my best friend and I left him. Only after getting him out of the house for a few weeks did I suddenly realize I had been miserable for years and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. I guess I am just saying that you need to follow your heart and do what you need to do to be happy.

[~Melissa~]

Telly,
I am sorry, like everyone had said and we can all say were sorry but that doesn't make it go away. I think your a very sweet, beautiful and caring person. It takes two to make it work and no matter how hard one person tries, if the other one is being difficult its almost impossible to do it alone. Just know I am thinking about you and here if you need to talk, PM me. If your ever over this way you have a place to stay. I went through alot of the same things with my 1st husband, so I can kinda relate. Just remember how many people love you and care about you! Keep smiling... you have an incredible smile!

[Telly]

From my husband last night through myspace email.

Telly, i love you with all my heart!! I just read what you posted. I need help. I am losing you and this is not what i wanted in our relationship. I am very happy that you have lost all this weight and i know that you are very healthy now. I am very happy for that. I know that i need to work on our intimate part of our relationship. I dont feel comfortable with my body and i know i need to start to lose weight and i have decided to start by going to the gym more often, would like to go with you so that we can talk more and spend time together. as we talked tonight about why i didnt go to the gym more is that i was feeling intimadated a bit. I see you losing all this weight so fast and in my mind i am very happy for you but then i look at myself and i get so depressed. i dont know where to start. I need to lose weight and need your help with that. I have you and the kids and i want to be around for you and both eli and seb. babe, i know that i dont always say things that you would like to hear, i have trouble expressing things and this is why i am writing you. I will talk to you in the morning and look forward to spending time with you tomorrow. I miss you ALOT. I am so depressed that i am not with you. see you tomorrow and i will call you in the morning..Love u....Leo

[Telly]

He also left his mother's home this morning, his day off to go purchase a bike so that we could ride together. He went ahead and got his weight loss prescription filled. Xenical I believe. It's a start.

Thank you all for helping me through this. It's been therapy for me.

[Telly]

I wanted to add that I am still taking my time on this. I do not want to rush into living together and pretending to be a happy couple. I strongly feel that the separation is exactly what we need in order to become friends.

His confession to me about how he feels about his weight was upsetting to me. All of this time I tried to involve him, I was only intimidating him, but he wanted to participate. I just didn't know that. Yes I knew that my changes were dramatic and sudden so I do understand it can traumatize people around you. Some people may not be as acceptable to change as I am.

On another note, don't get me wrong, I care about his weight. I see him eating soo crazy and I give him looks but I no longer say anything to him. I don't want to embarrass or pressure him to stop eating all that fast food. I was there too. I loved food, so I do understand. But his weight did not repell me. I am still very attracted to him physically, but the emotional was just not there. I suppose he has been feeling the way I was feeling with all of the weight I had on me when I finally decided to get the band. Now that I am losing it all, I feel now, after reading his mail...as if I left him behind. It's sad but were going to work on this.

[Tricia K.]

YAY! That's great news, Telly. Aww, I'm so glad that he finally opened up to you. I hope this is the start of better things to come.

Telly, you can't even imagine how happy I was to read what he wrote to you. I had a feeling a lot of this was bottled up inside of him and that he had a hard time expressing it to you in person.

*BIG HUGS* I LOVE YOU GIRLY!

[AnnDe]

Telly, Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and your family. I know this is a hard time.
I just want to say one little thing that my parents have told all of us kids.
Marriage is not 50/50 a marriage is 100/100 % by both. I know that is why they were married 49 yrs. May you find the love and friendship you both cherish!

[jacelogic]

Telly,
I am very,very,very glad that you all are working on things. I pray that it works out! I was very worried about your marriage. It gives me great joy to read this. Keep on pressing and NEVER give up. It's HARD work!
Hugs:)

[KariK]

I second what myiv4lyfe wrote!

I admire and applaud you for your great weight loss success thus far. I also admire and applaud you for reaching out for support and trying to fix your marriage. Keep up the good work!

Your husband seems so nice, you seem so nice too! I hope for both your sakes you can figure what the problem is out, and then find the solution. You're in my prayers and thoughts.

On a side note..myiv4lyfe...wow you look stunning in your avatar pic!

[Telly]

Thank you everyone for your help and input on something that is very important to me.

Also too, I was jogging a bit ago and was thinking about my concern about my needing to hear my husband say that I am "beautiful". The way I typed it didn't really come across properly, at least in my eyes after re-reading it. I hoped that I didn't sound vain by saying that. I meant, it's crazy how much I hear it from strangers and online friends but I have never heard my husband refer to me as "beautiful" or even cute, pretty or attractive until today. It wasn't that I love hearing it, it's that the person that mattered the most to me...I felt..didn't think that of me and I wondered why not.

Please don't think I need to hear it from everyone, though I appreciate it and it's a big ego booster, I would just have loved to hear my DH express it to me. I hope that made sense.

[Idahobeauty]

Telly, for what it is worth, I by no means think that you are vain. I actually think just the opposite. I think that people telling you how beautiful you are makes you somewhat uncomfortable. I, of course don't know you like some of the others here but I don't see vanity being an issue for you.

[CindyC]

No long speeches Telly....just hang in there girl !!!
:hug:

[wavydaby]

Hang in there Girl!!
For a guy to write that kind of note and explaine to you whats going on was very deep.
i'd still go for the counsiling, though. Just to make sure that there are no residual issues.
:) I'll be thinking of ya!

[Maryb]

Telly, I applaud your trying to improve your marriage, before giving up and throwing in the towel.

I feel your pain! My first husband never had a kind word or complement for me ever! No wonder I hated his guts! After 9 years of it going from bad to worse, I left for good and never looked back!

I never knew what true love and commitment was until I married my true love DH Bob. Everyday for the past 12 years he tells me I look beautiful, that he loves me, and constantly shows me in non physical and physical ways that he cares about me.

Don't settle for anything less then this or you are cheating yourself. It can be obtained with good communication, hard work, and two people willing to make the effort to make things better.

I wish you both only the best because you both deserve to be happy and In Love with each other!

[Leenerbups]

Telly, I am so sorry your experiencing this. I also have gone through a divorce because of similar reasons.

Your such a beautiful woman, stunning really, and if your anything like me, I realized one day I deserved so much more.

I wanted to be treated like a woman, a CHERISHED woman,feel like a woman adored. I would not get such treatment from my husband as he was a very selfish man.

We went to counseling but he was who he was and knew no other way of being, but more importantly, said he would not change.

Now? I am with a man who is everything my husband wasn't. So very happy now. You can be too, believe me. I think it all depends on our choices. The past is the past, but what is important now is what you choose now and in the future.
Especially the future.

[Telly]

Leenerbups and Maryb,

Very kind and wise words and I am so happy that you shared with me. I don't feel crazy anymore. Thank you very much.

[Tricia K.]

*mwah* for good measure. :love:

[Leenerbups]

Your welcome Telly. What also made it hard for me is that we were also best friends a the same time. Very, very hard time in my life.

[Telly]

I love you guys! Love you!

[Leenerbups]

I hear ya, Telly.
We Bandlarians understand each other. :-)

[Telly]

Yes I believe that Leener. What's crazy too is that the "band" influences changes in peoples lives such as marriages, sexuality, personalities, relationships, etc.

I can honestly say I am a victim of the band:
Hairloss
Weightloss
Marital Changes
Social changes

[Telly]

Update here, I'm having some mixed emotions about continuing on with the marriage.

I feel like staying and trying to make this work because I feel sorry for him that now he really wants to try us out. To be honest with everyone, my mind left the marriage solidly over a month ago. I think I really do want to move on. I think maybe I am being selfish but also too, maybe I am in pursuit of happiness.

[Goannabanda]

Hi Telly, great to hear that your husband opened up to you in his note. Hope that you both can talk face to face soon. Enjoy the bike riding! You are wise to take your time over this - it's far too important to rush. Hang in there, love him through this phase, your marriage will be better than ever once you get over to the other side of this.
Hugs!

[Telly]

Well, I'm mixed up about it all. I can't tell if he's sincere.. but I'll try to figure this out. One day at a time.

[housecatgirl]

Am I beautiful? He never would ever tell me I was beautiful unless I picked a fight with him about why he never said I was beautiful He never once, not once said to me "you are losing weight or wow you are looking good baby"


Hi Telly, I sometimes feel the same way. I definately agree with the last statement. 6 years ago I lost alot of weight. Everyone told me I looked great but my husband never told me I was beautiful or anything like it. He just said, "keep it up" in kind of a sarcastic way. Well, I didn't "keep it up" and my self asteem fell down and the weight went back up. It's hard though because he really is otherwise a great guy BUT we definately have issues to work out and after I lose the weight this time he better notice me or I just might go astray....Just kidding...sort of...

[Diva]

Telly, you are not being selfish. Any emotions/feelings you have are genuine and real. You own them. They're going to go up and down and all over the place till there is some resolution either way.

Counseling will be helpful to both of you. The marriage may not be able to be saved. That is not a bad thing if that is the end result. You are not a bad person if that is the end result. He is not a bad person if that is the end result. But counseling as a couple and as individuals (not the same therapist though :-) ) will strengthen your resolve in whatever decision you both make.

If you do breakup you'll always have ties due to your daughter together and your son who thinks of him as a father. The healthier the breakup the smoother transition it will be for them. Counseling is great for this.

You'll mourn the marriage and you will miss him even if a breakup is the right thing to do. It's inevitable.

You are preparing to walk through fire. There is a change coming. If you stay together your marriage will be different, a new marriage and hopefully better. If you divorce it will be completely different for all of you. But then you will come through the other side. You will all be fine no matter what. Believe that.

[Jill]

Wow. Telly, all I can say is that you are beautiful.

I'm going through something similiar, though it's been going on for 2 years. I actually went to VA last weekend to sign divorce papers, but for multiple reasons, they didn't get done.

Every time I am around him, I know we could make it work. But his job (US Navy Submariner) sucks the life out of him on a daily basis, and he's impossible to actually live with (we've been separated for 2 years).

If there is a spark of love in you for this man - find a way to spark him, too.

Love is precious. You know what you need. You just have to find the key to getting it.

I wish you luck and love and send my good thoughts. May yours be easier to repair than mine.

*hugs*

[Maryb]

Telly, I am currently doing a bible study called "Marriage on the Rock". It is meant for couples but we are doing it just ladies. Just the book is well worth reading. I got mine on Amazon.com. Even though it is biblically base it has a lot of insight that anyone could use.

[EmileeKaye]

Hey Telly girl, I havent been online much or on the forum, so today I read through this thread and my heart hurt for you and your family.

I have no real advice or great words to give you. I'm going through my own emotional melt down and have a broken heart right now.

In certain aspects my relationship with Kyle was like yours and Leo's but reversed. Reading what Leo wrote to you, really touched me. But I know how it is...when thats too late and the other person feels as if they are already moving on.

I'm young and am going through my first true heartbreak, so I wont bother in trying to say more, but that I love you and think you are strong. And no matter what, you have to make sure youre happy. Because you deserve that.

[aaamom]

Emille-hope all is well. Sounds if you are going through some issues of your own. We are here if you need to talk.
Telly~you will discover the right answers for yourself, your marriage, and your family.
Thinking of both you girls

[Leenerbups]

Telly, I can relate to the dynamics your experiencing with your husband.Take the time you need to make the right decision for you. Either way, it's not easy.

Funny this thread should be here. Recieved an email from him yesterday that he is getting married next week and goign to have a child with her. As I said, he was my best friend, and I miss him as a companion because we did share good things, so even though I have moved on and committed to a wonderful man, it was hard to hear that.

But I was being treated like a friend, a buddy and not an adored wife. Not a woman.

But I am now from Mr. Leenerbups, so for all the pain and sadness, God has a plan.

[jacelogic]

Yes I believe that Leener. What's crazy too is that the "band" influences changes in peoples lives such as marriages, sexuality, personalities, relationships, etc.

I can honestly say I am a victim of the band:
Hairloss
Weightloss
Marital Changes
Social changes

Telly,
Just thinking about what you said about the band and the change it brings about in a person. I too feel so much more empowered since my banding. I gained my weight during my first years of marriage to my hubby do to the stress that I ALLOWED. I felt out of control. Now, I am finally feeling completely in control of my life. And something’s might just have to go. You hang in there girly and may our acquaintances continue to grow.

[Telly]

Leo and I are working things out. We have been spending some QTime together and it's really nice.

["Just" Paul]

Great!

That's how it works. QT is the best.

Take it show and easy, and make the most of the NEW moments together.

You are a smart gal, and will use your head and your heart... the combination is unbeatable!

What did Scarlet O'Hara say, Tomorrow is another day!

Number one, worry about what makes Telly happy... happy Telly is better for her family, and better for herself!

My best to you!

[503-250]

I'll be happy when you are happy Telly, but I will say it took huge brass balls to write what he did. I hope he means it for his sake, his loss would be greater then he can ever imagine.

[Telly]

Wow, 503 I had not seen your post in this thread until just now. Thank you for your input and for chiming in on what may be going on with my husband. In the past week since the post, he has really opened up and we have talked more than we ever have in almost 6 years. Sounds horrible but we never talked before now.

I'm finding that he is very very willing to make US work as well as I. I felt myself..even a few days ago, veering off somewhere else, wanting to meet other people and yesterday and today I shut that idea off. I don't want to do that. I want my husband. I feel comfortable with him. I believe our marriage is salvagable.

Mysherrijo, thank you. You are one of the sweetest most endearing people on this and the other board. You are kind and considerate and selfless. I need to learn from you. 25 years ....can't be wrong right? I want that.

[Telly]

Telly,
Just thinking about what you said about the band and the change it brings about in a person. I too feel so much more empowered since my banding. I gained my weight during my first years of marriage to my hubby do to the stress that I ALLOWED. I felt out of control. Now, I am finally feeling completely in control of my life. And something’s might just have to go. You hang in there girly and may our acquaintances continue to grow.


The band has been ..to date ..the most important decision I have ever made, besides home purchase and marriage.

[NurseTeresa]

Telly, I fineally had some time to catch up on whats going on with you. I am so glad that things are going better. The email he sent to you brought tears to my eyes as did the emotions you were feeling. I still have you in my thoughts and prayers. Continue with the QT nothing can beat it. Get reacquainted with each other and fall in love all over again. Betcha this time it will be so much stronger!

[Kat817]

Hey Telly--I just joined this site, and had no idea what you had been going through, nor do I have any idea how you are doing in this matter right now. I hope whatever direction things went you are happy. I just wanted to say that a few things popped out to me as I read through the thread.
#1 is the fact that he is a preachers son. That alone could account for his inability to tell you you are beautiful. I have a friend in the same boat..she is the daughter, and her Dad never says things like that to them, it is vain, and discouraged. He may have witnessed love between his parents, but not been shown that love in a way he knows how to share. It is a given he was likely raised with different beliefs and values, and expectations from his parents than those of us without a preacher for a parent.
#2 in regards to the depression, I agree, it sounds very likely. And since he was staying in his parents house, since they had just moved...maybe he misses them, and is not even realizing it! With him admitting the weight was an issue for him -- his weight--, you said you no longer gave him the look when he was eating badly, well it seems the ones cooking it for him and encouraging him in eating to be happy, have moved. And since they encouraged it, and you discouraged it, he may feel he lost his support. I see the flaw in that thinking, but if he is feeling it, it's valid.
#3...is the lonlieness you are feeling. I understand it completely. It is far less lonely to be in a room alone, than to be in a room with someone you should be connecting with and can't. I have no solutions for you, I just wanted to say it is a feeling I understand well. The cause for the distance in my past marriage was different, he had multiple affairs, but it was awful, far more lonely sitting 4 fet from him and having nothing to say, and knowing he did not care to speak to me....big hugs, because that hurts.

I have seen your TT picks, and you looked very happy. I hope that you are, and that you find common ground again. I hope I didn't dredge up too many bad feelings!
Kat