Jill
08-07-2007, 10:50 AM
... or, why I feel like a fraud anyway.
I went and spent the weekend with my folks this past weekend. The area that they live in is a small tight-knit (pretty much) group of people who all go to dinner on Saturday nights. I've met them all over the years.
When we got to dinner, I had two people tell me that I was 'so skinny!' and then when I said that I had 10 pounds to go, I got asked where it was going to come from -- was I sure I really needed to lose 10 more?
...and I felt like a fraud for some reason.
No matter that I can now put on a pair of size 10 jeans, zipped and all without laying down. No matter that my bra band size is now a 36. No matter that I've donated 100's of pieces of clothing over the last 2 years because it was all too big and no matter that I can actually get into a L shirt from a regular store.....
...I still feel like a fraud when I look in the mirror.
The shirts must be over-sized. The jeans, too. My bra has to be too small! How could I possibly fit into a normal sized bra and clothes? I still look in the mirror and see a huge tummy, thighs, my arms are more like wings than arms....
I have a horrible body image. Dysmorphia at it's finest.
I will never feel 'normal'. There are 10 more pounds to go until I'm 170 (at 5'9.5"). Then there is surgery to get rid of all this skin.
But I'm guessing even then I'm still going to feel huge, and like a fraud, until I can find a way to get real with what I see.
/sigh
One step up and two steps back.
I went and spent the weekend with my folks this past weekend. The area that they live in is a small tight-knit (pretty much) group of people who all go to dinner on Saturday nights. I've met them all over the years.
When we got to dinner, I had two people tell me that I was 'so skinny!' and then when I said that I had 10 pounds to go, I got asked where it was going to come from -- was I sure I really needed to lose 10 more?
...and I felt like a fraud for some reason.
No matter that I can now put on a pair of size 10 jeans, zipped and all without laying down. No matter that my bra band size is now a 36. No matter that I've donated 100's of pieces of clothing over the last 2 years because it was all too big and no matter that I can actually get into a L shirt from a regular store.....
...I still feel like a fraud when I look in the mirror.
The shirts must be over-sized. The jeans, too. My bra has to be too small! How could I possibly fit into a normal sized bra and clothes? I still look in the mirror and see a huge tummy, thighs, my arms are more like wings than arms....
I have a horrible body image. Dysmorphia at it's finest.
I will never feel 'normal'. There are 10 more pounds to go until I'm 170 (at 5'9.5"). Then there is surgery to get rid of all this skin.
But I'm guessing even then I'm still going to feel huge, and like a fraud, until I can find a way to get real with what I see.
/sigh
One step up and two steps back.