trying again

[Dragonwillow]

I have to be honest. I had given up. I mean I've gained back so much weight...and I can't even figure out HOW. I'm so tired sometimes of the constant struggle with my weight that I just cry.

Today I'm going to get a fill. I'm going to give it one more go. I'm scared to death of being too tight again...but at the same time I'm scared to death of not loosing another pound or worse yet gaining more. I don't know what to do, I feel like I've distanced myself more and more from you guys since I stopped loosing. I tried to live in denial of the weight I gained back for awhile, but you can only do that so long, eventually you catch sight of yourself in the mirror and can't deny it any longer.

I haven't told all of you...but I've went through some major life stuff recently. A couple of you know but maybe it best just to come out and tell all. Hard to hide something if it is all out there right? As you guys know...we recently moved. What you didn't know is that we didn't have a choice. We filed bankrupcy...we let the house and the car go back. We aren't saddened by the house, as we were truelly in over our heads there in a house that we owed too much on, that we had NO equatiy in that was loosing value. The van, well the transmission actually went the day we were meeting the lawyer to sign the papers. By the end of March, the house will be gone and hopefully this all behind us...well as much as it can be with a bankrupcy. I honestly don't know if I'm using this all as an excuse as to how I gained back so much of the weight...or I'm trying to do some kind of cleansing so that I can move on and mourn the set back.

It is amazing how angry I am with myself right now. How disappointed I am with myself. I'm trying to have hope that this fill will make a difference....that somehow things will magically start to work for me like they did the first few months. I'm going to make a commitment to be HERE more. Going to do my food blog again. I give you all permission to kick my butt if I don't do it. I've corrected my weight bar on my signature..hopefully it will move down again soon.

Sorry this was so long, just felt the need to write it all out...tell all as they say. Purge

[JudyBellyBand]

Melissa,
I am sincerely sorry for your signifanct financial troubles and it breaks my heart for you. But YOU are so-o-o truly courageous and this personal courage, which you have just demonstrated in your message above, brings against your troubles its most formidable weapon. Somehow we learn as children that hiding a boo-boo will make it go away, and we grow into adults still believing that lie. But Melissa you are not fearful and you are ready to move forward boo-boo and all. I admire you for doing so.

So now my boo-boo exposed: :sad:You know that my band has busted and today I had to go to PCP for anti-biotics for this crude going on. Anyway, I am now +26 lbs and feel just like you . . . discouraged. I have been waiting for my 2nd WLS and using this waiting as huge excuss. But at the end of the day it's still +26lbs of new food going down that same mouth as fat on my old body. Why can't I control myself. . . I don't know. What if I never get a band back; will I let myself regain? I weight 195 today only 5 pounds from that 200lb mark. It was such a since of sucess for me when I went below that mark . . . so this is my boo-boo and I am not going to hide it either.

So Melissa, let me join you in starting a new; we shall do it together. No more unexsposed weight-gaining boo-boo(s); we will use a new tool called courage to wage war against gaining any more weight:iagree::nod:.

[Txblue_eyedqt]

Melissa,
I too am sorry for all the financial troubles you are dealing with. I am going thru the same with the weight issue, although for me Im unsure why I have gained, well of course the food choices I am making, but I dont know the underlying reason for why im chosing to eat the wrong foods to make me feel better when Im upset/or down....
I pray that the fill will work for you to get back going on your wiehgtloss journey, and I pray everything will be fine with your finances as well.
take care and HUG!
cynthia

[Dragonwillow]

Thank you Judy and Cynthia...I just got off the phone with my boss. She is going to try to accomidate me in coming in later in the shift so that I can workout before I work. I know I could MAKE myself workout after I got off and I have occassionally, but I used to ENJOY working out...and now it seems so chore like. I'm hoping that if I go workout before I work I will regain some of my joy in it. I will still have to work my weight lifting in after work and on days off I suppouse. But just her agreeing to try and work with me to alter my time in has given me hope.

[Txblue_eyedqt]

OMG...that is awesome, I too right now in my life feel like working out is a HUGE chore, one that I dont care to do...im searching for my energy to go and do it, cause once you do work out it makes you feel so much better.
good luck with that and keep your head up...you can do it!

[kebsa]

The old saying that when it rains it pours, seems so true at times. My heart goes out to you. I lost my home due to illness 12 yrs ago- it seemed like one problem after another and when nothing else could happen to me, my mother was diagnosed with inoperable stomach cancer. I felt hopeless and helpless. A friend gave me the poem below and to this day it is something that gives me hope and strength no matter how bleak thngs seem. I not saying that a few words will make everything better but I hope it helps you the way it helped me

Why am I cast down
And despondently sad
When I long to be happy
And joyous and glad?

Why is my heart heavy
With unfathomable weight
As I try to escape
This soul-saddened state?
http://www.wrensworld.com/yellowbflyfloat.gif
I ask myself often ...
"What makes life this way,
Why is the song silenced
In the heart that was gay?"

And then, with God's help
It all becomes clear,
The "Soul" has its "Seasons"
Just the same as the year.
http://www.wrensworld.com/misc23icon2.jpg
I, too, must pass through
Life's autumn of dying,
A desolate period
Of heart-hurt and crying.

Followed by winter
In whose frostbitten hand
My heart is as frozen
As the snow-covered land.
http://www.wrensworld.com/yellowbflyfloat.gif
Yes, man too must pass
Through the seasons God sends,
Content in the knowledge
That everything ends.
And, Oh! What a blessing
To know there are reasons
And to find that our soul
Must, too, have it's seasons.
http://www.wrensworld.com/misc23icon2.jpg
"Bounteous Seasons"
And "Barren Ones," too.
Times for rejoicing

And times to be blue.
But meeting these seasons
Of dark desolation
With strength that is born
Of anticipation
That comes from knowing
That "autumn-time sadness"
Will surely be followed by a "Springtime of Gladness."
http://www.wrensworld.com/yellowbflyfloat.gifThe Seasons Of My Soul by:
Helen Steiner Rice

[Mrs Sabre]

God bless you all, and thank you for opening up and letting it all out! Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help encourage you! Please know that you are not alone in your struggles! We love you! :grouphug2:

[ladytonya]

As depressing as it can be, bankruptcy is not the end of the world! Hubby and I were married on June 24, 2000, got back from our honeymoon on July 4, 2000, and declared Chapter 7 bankruptcy on July 5, 2000. We decided to get a fresh start when we got married. We were both 30 with a LOT of credit card debt and no way to get it paid off. We each had a car and that was it. We finally had to let both cars go back, his because he just owed way to much on it and mine because it was a brand new car and we couldn't afford the car payments. Since then, we have bought a house and a new car. We have yet again got too much credit card debt, but it's not to the point where it's over our head like it was before. Hang in there! Things will get better! There is no shame in having to declare bankruptcy. Continue on and try to be more fiscally responsible and everything will work itself out!

I bet as soon as you get back to those workouts, you'll start dropping the weight again just like you just had surgery! Good luck to you!

[paula]

Even though Im not from NC - mind if I respond?

*BIG sigh* Food and Financies... my 2 demons!
Actually, Ive found that they work hand-in-hand... each one dragging me down. When things are going financially well for us, I eat less & have more peace.
When we struggle in the money department, my food choices and habits are B A D... I worry and constantly think about bills - then find food for consolation. go figure! You'd think that I'd be able to do the head work on this. :mmph:

This can be a fresh start for you. Give yourself a pat on the back and take a BIG sigh of relief... the mountain you've just climbed is behind you.

Good luck on that fill.

[paula]

One more thing..

I'm not sure if you are into Christian readings, but I recently dusted off a book from my collection by Stormie O' Martin called Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On.
It teaches us to have faith and trust in God when things go in a negative direction.

:)

Thanks for reading my post.

[Glo]

Melissa--We're all in this together. No one is judging anyone. We all struggle with something. This food addiction tries to whip up on us and rob us of any common sense.

You've already made two strong choices in this one day--to get a fill and to re-arrange your work schedule so that you can exercise.

Thanks for your courage and gut level honesty. I hope it helped you feel less distant and closer to us all. We need one another! We really do!

[Kim G]

:hug:: Melissa - girl you are a very strong woman. We are here for you not just for banding but friendship to. This is such a strong knit family here and each and every day I can't wait to see what is going on w/ everyone and their families. B2G is like like my second family, I show ya'll off like you are my family and my family know each and every one of you...how you have helped me and you bring joy to my life. As much support as I got from them ya'll are the ones I can come to for anything.

So Melissa look at this as a new day a new start...that is what is great w/ this band. You can start over again... :grouphug:

[Dragonwillow]

Thank you everyone....according to the doctor scales I had gained 13lbs back....not TOO terrible, but not what you want to face all the same. I now have 1.75 cc in my band. I stressed how I was really afraid of being to tight again. Dr. P really seemed to listen and understand. He put me back on nexium for a few weeks, even gave me a few samples. Overall I feel pretty good right now...going to go eat my egg drop soup, got my protien shake packed for work tomorrow. I'll start my jornalling tomorrow even though its going to be very boring for a few days on liquids. :)

[jttaurus]

Melissa,

I agree, weight is subjective, it can come back off. You cannot beat yourself up for it. Who did your fill today? Just curious. I haven't been to the office in a few weeks. I'm feeling better RNY wise.

I was thinking today Melissa, this stuff we can go through can make us feel really crappy, however, you can rise above it. With hard work you will sucecced. I have to learn from this, but it's ok to give ourself permission to let life happen. I have lots of secrets that stress me out.
However, the desire to 'eat' them is fading. I wish I was on the exercise bandwagon, I just don't even know where to start or how. Somedays I have to do the minimum to get through the day. I hate living with chronic pain, but it's a secret I keep. I have a lanudry list of finanical fiasco's but I will keep them inside tightly for now.

You will be fine. Like Kim said, were here for you. The hardest part is opening up (which is my problem). My husband went through a 3 year career transformation. He is one of the happiest teachers in training I've ever met. He was meant to do this and I'm jealous everyday. I know my time will come.

Today was my 1 year anniversary and my mom's birthday. She's been dead for 3 years and today I didn't feel a sad heart or huge heaviness. I felt peace, my life is moving forward and those emotions that tore me open three birthdays ago are gone. I can now Honor my mom and still be fine. So, if you told me 3 years ago it would be better, I would have doubted you. Now, I'm ontop of the world. I'm scared it is going to come crashing down again. Sorry this is so long.

JEnnifer

[wavydaby]

Ohh me and melissa are band twins.. I got 1.75 too!
Come on girly and call me.. we can cry over a big ole glass of protien shake :)

[jttaurus]

Since we share the same surgeon's office I know how you feel about going in and not being a sucess. Dr P is a good listener. I wonder if he was fat in his before life. Just kidding.

Jen

[wavydaby]

He is very understanding... if he wasnt fat, he had a heck of a good teacher on bedside manner

[Kathy]

Thank you everyone....according to the doctor scales I had gained 13lbs back....not TOO terrible, but not what you want to face all the same. I now have 1.75 cc in my band. I stressed how I was really afraid of being to tight again. Dr. P really seemed to listen and understand. He put me back on nexium for a few weeks, even gave me a few samples. Overall I feel pretty good right now...going to go eat my egg drop soup, got my protien shake packed for work tomorrow. I'll start my jornalling tomorrow even though its going to be very boring for a few days on liquids. :)


13 pounds!!!!! pardon the swearing but DAMN! I gained almost 20 quitting smoking, so you'd better quit beating yourself up. I have leveled out at a 10 pound gain. I'll be going in to see Dr P soon, too. He was one of several people who inspired me to quit smoking, I should thank him.


Melissa, I have a secret for you. You are in good company. We ALL have our issues and you are NOT an outsider in this group no matter what you are going through in your personal life.

I was watching Grey's Anatomy and that pretty blond girl, Izzy? said something to Meredith about trying to drown herself in the bathtub. She said, "I ate an entire tub of butter last night. There's no judgement here" and I like that. Secrets aren't necessary, and you don't even have to confess them (unless it helps you), we all understand. :hug:

[Kathy]

He is very understanding... if he wasnt fat, he had a heck of a good teacher on bedside manner


I agree. He reminds me of a Pharmacist I used to work with out in Texas. I don't know why, but it's a good association.

[Neal R.]

Thanks for the update. Hope this gets back where you want to be :)

[Dragonwillow]

Thanks guys....you all are the best. I'm not going to log my food until I'm off liquids...because basically a starbucks ff sugar free coffee , a sf jello, a protein water (those aren't too bad...but only 5 g of protein) broth off beef and veggie soup and now egg drop soup doesn't really make too exciting of news. Going to try and get protein shake down in a minute.

Sold over 300 boxes of girl scout cookies down town today....and I only spent 14 bucks to park :eek: ...but it was a good day.

[dynamomini]

It hurts, but it's ok. You have gone through huge life crises and eating was a way you have coped in the past, so you naturally turned to it. Be gentle with yourself, you are back. Keep communicating and working with the wonderful members on this site. I'm sure you will go from "trying again" to "I'm doing it every minute." The only failure would be to not come back to the success you felt with your band. You have done this, and can do this.