P'Nuts One-Year Report

[PhotoNut]

My bandiversary was Jan 9th and I was in the middle of a huge crisis. I was completely out of control, eating every unmentionable food item there was. While I had managed to lose 100 pounds before my one year mark, I was feeling very disheartened and scared about what I was doing to myself.

When I started this journey, I was a model bandster. Bread was never again going to cross my lips. Knowing that I'm a person with an addictive personality and one who eats for emotional comfort, I was determined to adhere to my self imposed law regarding certain foods that I knew must never cross my lips. Much like an alcoholic cannot have an occasional drink; I cannot have an occasional chip, cookie, piece of bread, etc. I'm a dough freak, so my weakness is not for sweets but if a bread product just happens to be sweet then its fair game.

Anyway, last June I faced one of the biggest emotional tests of my life. My grandmother had died and my mother wanted me to return to the city where I was born to bury the woman. No problems there as I had no good thing to say about the woman, so her loss meant nothing more to me than a new freedom for my mother. So far so good, however, the city we were going to was where my father lives - a man I had not seen in over 20 years and who I give credit for a lot of my emotional issues. We were there for one week and I, for the first time in my weak, daddy-loving rejected life was able to say "I'm in town but I choose not to see you or any of that side of the family." So, my mom and I spent a week walking through our past, saying goodbye to old ghosts and hello to new inner strength. As we left that city, I felt a sense of relief and when the airline attendant offered the free drinks (thanks grandma for the first class seats) I accepted a wine cooler as a token gesture of putting up my feet and relaxing now that all of that was behind me.

Now, I'm not a drinker. I'm one that might have a few beers once a year and I've never been a wine drinker - hated the stuff. But for some reason it was like someone flipped a switch and I was hooked. I came home and began treating myself to a glass of wine over small cubes of ice. It was refreshing, relaxing, and soon it was a lot of fun. For the next five months I was lost. The wine consumption had taken the place of food for emotional comfort and I really liked that. I was eating well, except for some occasional slip-ups, but my weight loss came to a complete halt. I tried to share this on "that other board" but was shamelessly attacked and called an alcoholic among other things. So, I grew terribly embarrassed and withdrew with my dirty little secret. That is until one night shortly after a fairly snug fill when the usual amount of wine was far too much and I ended up hugging the toilet, puking and bawling my eyes out while Dawg sat next to me and tried to comfort me. Since that night, I haven't touched a drop of alcohol. (Oh, and if I ever see anyone on b2g using info that was shared as a cry for help, I will ban your ass from MY boards! *cackles*)

So, what does an addictive personality do when their comfort addiction is removed? Find another one! Back to food I ran. Just before Thanksgiving, I was at 202 pounds. One hundred and five pounds lost, and on the verge of entering Onederland. I was thrilled! Until I saw the scale creeping in the wrong direction.. 204, 206, 209, 211.. I freaked out. Through December, I yo-yo'd up and down between 211 and 204. Every time I would see 204 and think I was about to break through that invisible but formidable barrier, I would have some sort of mental lapse and stuff myself with pizza or Cheetos... I guess to ensure that the numbers didn’t get too good. Heaven forbid that I would actually succeed at this. *sighs*

A week ago Tuesday, so that was what.. um, the 23rd so 7-8-9 days ago, I went to see Dr. Cahn and we had a chat about this. He told me in no uncertain terms that counseling was a MUST. He made it clear that it was NOT an option. So, that's on my list of things to do. *snicker* I'm so bad about that list. Anyway, he agreed to give me another fill, bringing me up to 2.5 cc in my 4cc band. I think what convinced him that I did need more was the fact that I could eat 4 pieces of pizza in one sitting. Now, I used to freak out when I saw people say things like that. It scared the daylights out of me. I didn't want to hear or believe that was possible or that anyone would even attempt to eat that much. I was so afraid that it would be me, and having been on the verge of losing me into the black void of obesity, I didn't want to hear that was even possible. But there I was, stuffing myself. Hating every bite. Uncomfortable. Knowing I was risking my band. Knowing I was only going to make myself gain weight. But stuffing in more. I honestly believe it’s a form of self punishment.

Anyway, I got the fill and came home determined not to give up. I paid a lot of money for this band. I and others who love me have invested a lot of hope in its success. And, while I had spent the better part of 6 months screwing around with my emotional issues and not really losing any weight, I was shocked to realize that I had not really GAINED any either. That gave me hope and with my new fill, I am back to eating a proper amount of food. All of the junk food has been cleared out of the house. I forced myself to start drinking 4, 5 and now 6 bottles of water a day and my natural thirst has returned. I am loving water again! I am journaling my daily food, water and vitamin intake again. This has helped so much! And Max (our Yorkie that joined our family a few months ago) now walks alongside me on the dreadmill. He hates it as much as I do, but misery loves company and together we suffer through it. *chuckles*

So.. this long story is kind of a report about what Ive gone through in my first band year and its also a celebration note, because this morning, I got on the scales and stood there and cried tears of joy when I saw 199.5.

Hey P'Nut, welcome to Onederland!

[DrewsLou]

P'Nut.... you rawk girl. You are such an inspiration to me. You are human with faults just like the rest of us but you have the balls to talk it about it and put it out there. I am so proud of you girl!!

Congrats on onderland!! :high5:

[Neal R.]

P'nut. Thanks for sharing a deeply personal story. I am so happy that you reached onderland!! You are such an inspiration. I know its been said before, but we have have our "down" times with the band even if we think it won't happen to us, only to others. You have created the best site with the best inspiration. Thanks for all you do and again congrats :)

[SheryBery]

I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, feeling so much for you. I can relate to much of what you said. I've missed you very much around here and I'm so glad you gave us an update. I'm sorry for all you've been through, but an so proud that you're coming out the other side even stronger. A few years ago, when I was going through some horrible things, I always felt that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." But He sure knows how to push that envelope doesn't He?? I'm so excited that you've arrived in Onederland! Don't look back!
Much much love and good thoughts to you!

[Harley Honey]

My gosh girl - I am completely blown away by your journey. You really have walked through the Valley this past year. Thanks more than I can say for sharing all this. It gives such inspiration and hope.

God bless you,
Claudia

[barbara465]

You continue to be an inspiration to me. It was your journey on the other site that spurred me on to pursue the band and to live the bandster life. I have been wondering where you were, but I didn't want to intrude on your privacy. I am so glad you posted your story and filled in the missing pieces.

I have been discussing with my support group something that your story is pointing out to me. We go a certain point in this journey and then we self sabotage or pick up old habits or maybe new bad ones. We have learned so many years to self medicate that we turn to that method when things get tough.

I believe that most, if not all, of us have addictive personalities. In our case it was food. It is only natural that we replace that addiction with something else. In your case wine. In my case Mark Roberts Fairies. It doesn't matter what it is, it is a way for us to "feed" our addiction.

I believe in counseling. It certainly cannot hurt any of us. Thank you for sharing your story and for keeping it real. I've missed you and glad you have returned to share your journey with us.

Welcome to onderland. I'll be there soon I hope.

[Bandedmomof7]

P'Nut-you are the best!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for proving that this whole thing is a journey, not a destination!! Your willingness to share is a gift to all of us. I feel blessed to have someone like you "leading" the way for so many of us--especially here in ID. I expect to watch you march DOWN the road of onederland with your head held high--and a smile on your face. That is what happens when you 'rise above' the challenges that are put in your path.
HERE"S A HUG!!

[Jachut]

Huge hugs Pnut, that's a hard thing to share.

[Diva]

Hang in there girl! We love you lots.

[PhotoNut]

Aww, you all are just THE best. I do try to be a good example and to help others keep going when things get tough. It's an inspiration to me to be able to help others, but I think that it adds to the stress too. While I love you all so very much, I stress about each one of you too! And when I was in the pits, I feared sharing it. I didn't want to bring anyone else down or cause anyone to lose hope or faith in their own ability to succeed.

I appreciate all of your support and kind words more than you'll ever know. It's just wonderful being surrounded by people as special as all of you!

Oh, and did I mention.... I'm in ONEDERLAND!! Yay!! *doing the happy dance*

[PhotoNut]

Hey Barbara, "Self medicating" is the term Dr. Cahn used when I was going through the wine issue. That's exactly what addiction is. And youre right, addiction covers far more than just things we can ingest. I'm sure the list is long. I'm sure it includes exercise and dieting as well. The important thing is to stop and take a good look at ourselves. Really assess our lives. Do we see balance? Or do we see one or two major things taking up most of our thoughts and time, creating an imbalance that produces more problems to deal with.

I have heard about a book that I am hoping to pick up this weekend. If it is as good as I've heard, I think I'll start a thread and get people to read along and maybe have chapter dicsussions. The name of the book is "Calming the Anxious Mind" by Jeff Brantley, MD.

[HeatherGurl]

Hugs to you lady! I PM'd ya!

MAJOR CONGRATS on Onederland!!!!!!!!!!

[Kathy]

Awwwww, now shucks, girl! WELCOME TO ONEDERLAND!!!!! You did it! No more wallerin' in...whatever, self-pity, shame, remorse, whatever. NO WALLERIN'! You rock, it's true, so believe it and live it! Yay you!!!!

[PhotoNut]

Wow, a hug and a boot in the arse at the same time. I could always count on you, Kathy! LOL! Love ya sis!

[Kathy]

Muah! :love: The book looks interesting...I can't wait for the review! :hug:

[kebsa]

Hi P"nut

Your post brought me to tears too! you are an inspiration that proves what can be acheved even when life seems so incredbly tough. I can relate to difficult family stuation with my father that left me confused, angry and for me shamed for many years- medicating myself with food and other stuff, even hiding behind my obesity as well.
Its upsetting to hear that you were judged and attacked for sharing you problems in the other place- I think most of us who become significantly overweight have some kind of addicton,its just sad that some people do not recognise it in themselves and feel the need to attack others
You probaby see the tough times you've had with incredible pain, what i see is someone who has achieved fantastic results, provided comfort and support to may others despite having to deal with a whole load of c@#$. You are a special person- thank you to you and dawg for setting up this site

[Kim G]

Pnut - WOW you wow me all the time. When I read this it was me. (Not the loss of anyone or the drinking but the yo-yo) I hit the 100 pound mark months ago...well I am still there. I work for my doc now getting a fill isn't hard but I know it's my head. I know it's just emotions and I have to learn to cope. I need to clean the junk out of the house like and start over. Thanks for everything you do, your stories, your heart and just for you!!! Thanks and I am so glad to be a part of your journey.

[JDru]

I have missed you around here P'Nut! You are such an incredible person and you have been on quite the journey. I too have had problems with alcohol in the past and I'm still working on it. I started therapy in December and it's been one of the best decisions of my life. I eat, drink, (insert other addiction here) to feel...NOTHING!

I'm glad to hear you are back on track and have made it to onederland!! Congrats on all of your hard work in the past year...you continue to inspire all of us. :)

[Stitchy]

P'Nut. Thank you for your deeply personal post. I'm sure it was difficult to share, and I, for one, am glad that you did. I hope that it was cleansing for you and that you will once again be posting here as I have missed you. I loved reading your thoughtful posts on LBT and was so sorry for the stupid nonsense that snared you. I can't tell you how pleased I was to be invited to join you all here.

[JoyceGA]

P'Nut, you are a wonder. Just roll with life's ups and downs (we all do). Don't let little set backs get you off course too long. You have the tools and know how to do it.

Stress is an ugly monster. I've been dealing with it too the past month, and have only lost 8 lbs of my 16 lb holiday gain. It's the emotional eating that we really need help to overcome.

I keep hearing how stress cause women to hold/gain weight more than men. So what do we do?

Susan, I am so proud you've got your health by the reins.

[Idahobeauty]

P'Nut, I can't tell you how proud I am of you. You are amazing. I cried with you when I read about the scales. You have come a long way and you are a strong woman. I admire the person that you are and appreciate you giving us this piece of you.

[LindaV]

WOOHOO and another WOOHOO for you! Congratulations!!!!!

[Irish Girl]

You have always been one to share a kind word or a hug when we have our challenging moments. It is nice to know that you will give us the chance to offer hugs to you when you have your challenges too. (((Big Hug))) Welcome to onderland.

[EmileeKaye]

Thank you for ur update P'nut. You don't even realize how much of an inspiration you are. And how similar ur feelings and "set-backs" are to so many of us. I love this safe place that you have created for all of us. From day one when I "met" you on the other site you have helped me in countless ways. Thank you so much! And a BIG CONGRATS on onederland....the scales may go up again a pound here or there...but always know you can get up the next day and start again. That's the biggest thing I have come to realize with my band. theres no giving up. No matter what my journey is continuing and in the end, it will be a loss.

((HUGS))

[dynamomini]

Your emotional journey is personal and so familiar. We all have so much baggage, yet your band helped you keep enough of it together to get the support you needed without totally blowing the whole work in progress. The emotional components can't be ignored, but I am so relieved that the band helped you. Your story has encouraged me to go for it. It still will be a while, but the ability to turn the binge around and not wipe out all the months of healthy eating is very encouraging. Thanks so much for sharing yourself.

[chocolate_snaps]

P'Nut I just wanna say that we appreciate your candor and that hearing what you went through and are going through is an education for me. Im not banded yet but I know that I will have some serious headwork to do once Im on the losing side. I too have a serious issue with my own weight threshold, mine is the 300 mark. So many times I have gotten to 310 and paniced, I would sabotage myself with cookies or what ever. Im having that problem right now, I reached 317 just the other day and not 1 day later I was pigging (yes pigging) out on a whole package of Famos Amos cookies. Lets be truthful, that day it was famos amos and Ice cream, 2 days later it was walmart vanilla sandwich cookies (a WHOLE package that like 50 cookies). Ice cream is a rare thing for me and in very small quantities, as I am Lactose intolerant but I ate the whole pint. It is sad really but thats why Im getting banded, I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Now its the headwork in prep for the body work. My presurgery goal is 295 but Id love 280. Im getting back on the ball.

thanx for sharing and congrats on Onederland!

[NurseTeresa]

Susan,
Congratulations on wonderland! If anyone deserves it it is you. Your big caring heart that is always there for everyone. Just remember take it one day at a time and with this you will always come on top in the end. I sure have missed our little talks but am so glad that you have talked to your Dr. about it all and are going to get some counceling.
You are such an inspiration to all of us. We love you more then you could ever know. You have such a heart and are so full of love for everyone. Always wish the best for each and everyone of us. Take our problems as yours. Hope that you realize that we take your problems as ours as well and we would all bend over backwards to do anything in the world for you as well. I know I am speaking for more then just myself when it comes to this.
Lots of hugs and love! Keep up the fantastic work.

[JudyBellyBand]

Susan,
AMEN!!!! I am you and we are not alone. Like you and JDru perfectly described, "I eat, drink, (insert other addiction here) to feel...NOTHING!". The only problem is that it leave me with feeling like I accomplish . . . nothing. That is simply and significantly me.

But unlike you, you have once again proved that by serving others we make a difference in the lives we touch . . . the counter to additions. But YOU have enabled all of us here by creating our priceless B2G board and by demonstrating you care enough to share your heart and soul. Your mesage has touched me and I am not going to be the same. This thread is deeply inspiring. Thank-you Susan and others who have posted. I don't know you but I love you PhotoNut.
:hug: Amen!

["Just Jess"]

So.. this long story is kind of a report about what Ive gone through in my first band year and its also a celebration note, because this morning, I got on the scales and stood there and cried tears of joy when I saw 199.5. Hey P'Nut, welcome to Onederland!

first of all, thank you for sharing your incredibly personal, deeply touching story. it is good for us "newbies" to see how human all our band idols are! and everyone struggles and goes though ups and downs with this journey... thank you again for your honesty.

secondly, :D CONGRATULATIONS :D on reaching onederland!!!!!!!!!

last, if i understand correctly, you are one of the main reasons this board is here... and therefore, you are to be thanked for all the incredibly irreplaceable support, friendship, and guidance so many of us have found here. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

good luck to you!!!! ;)

[aaamom]

THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU !!!!
You are a special special lady with a huge heart who has offerred so much of herself to us. We love you Susan !
Keep the faith~

[PhotoNut]

Ok, so why didn't I do this before? *laughs* What a boost to my spirits! And even more so, what a COMFORT you all are to me! Since I've given up the food addiction (again) and the wine, I've been left with nothing to be addicted to. I think I'll choose YOU for this round of addicitons!

I sincerely love each one of you too. We all have a special bond that crosses the invisible boundary of distance. Isn't it wonderful??

I send out a heart felt thank you to all of you, not only for your kind words, but just for being here and for making b2g such an awesome place.

Jess, my husband Dawg and I started b2g back in Sept of 06. We, along with our group of fantastic moderators, have put a lot of work and heart into the place and we are quite happy to see it developing into a strong support for people around the world. It's been a pleasure and a blessing to be able to provide so much to so many. :)

[AnnDe]

:) :hug: :cheer2: Miss you! and I am so proud of you! Thanks being there for me and the rest of B2G! Onelanders! YOU ROCK my friend! I shall join you some day!

[ladytonya]

Congratulations on onederland, P'Nut! You are awesome!

I know exactly what I replaced my food addiction with and you're looking at it! I am addicted to these boards now! I have always spent entirely too much time on the internet so I can't say it's an internet addiction. I have a bulletin board addiction! I read three of them religiously and another three or four occasionally. I rarely eat when I'm on the computer, so it's my little safe place to be and not think about food. Of course, I think about food all the time. I'm not hungry yet since I had bypass and not the band, but I still think about it constantly. We all have our demons, it's a good thing we have this place to talk about them so they don't consume us!

Woohoo! Go P'Nut with her bad banded and branded self!

["Just Jess"]

Jess, my husband Dawg and I started b2g back in Sept of 06. We, along with our group of fantastic moderators, have put a lot of work and heart into the place and we are quite happy to see it developing into a strong support for people around the world. It's been a pleasure and a blessing to be able to provide so much to so many. :)

We all can't thank you both enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

[Vickie1177]

OK I am sitting at my desk crying my eyes out and my boss comes over to me and asks if I was ok. So i told him UI jead read something that brought tears to my eyes and do you know what he said did it hit in the heart I said it sure did.
PNut thank you for the words of Encouragement you are definately an inspiration to us all......
Congrats on 1derland
Vickie

[Alicia521]

P-Nut, your post brought tears to my eyes. What I love most about you is your honesty and the fact you are “real”. It helps to know that as we all go through this we are not alone and being banded isn’t a magic pill. For me, being banded has helped me unravel many layers of me that need to be worked on! That being said, I want to thank you for creating this site. I know it was created because a bad thing happened but look what wonderful things have come of it! You are an inspiration to us all. You have come so far and deserve all the praise you are getting. Hugs to you!

And CONGRATS on hitting onederland!!!!

[shackdog]

way to go girl..................................have a grt walk on the tred mill

[diva girl]

Hi Susan,

I join everyone else here in saying thank you for being so honest and open about what so many of us go through.

Addiction, whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling...whatever....is common in people who once used food to calm their conflicted minds. We had a speaker at our last support group who shed some light on the addictivie mind. It turns out that 30% of the people who have had bariatric surgery turn to another addiction eventually. Isn't that amazing? Difficulty in dealing with conflict is a hallmark and a symptom of someone who is prone to be addictive. Addiction, he says, can impair our health, lower our self-esteem and limit our freedom. He says that the symptoms of addiction are increased tolerance, self-deception, withdrawal and loss of willpower But I digress.

I think you are absolutely great. And fearless. And courageous. It takes a big heart to open up like you did - perhaps more of us here now will not be afraid to show some of the negatives that are happening to us. We will be able to come to eachother when we are having a difficult time and not just with our "wins". Thank you so much, warrior princess.

Lyn

[lins12]

P'Nut...I have missed you SO much. I give you BIG HUGE hugs. I understand. I can hit the bottle a little hard at times too. I have to be very careful to keep myself in check.

I MISS YOU!!!!

[DebbieChoos]

Susan - I am so glad you came out of your p'nutty shell!! I was with you on that "other place" where ugliness ruled the day. You know my issue with that "place" and you have offered to kick anyone's ass that treated me like that over here - and you know what....you haven't needed too.

What you and Dawg created over here is truly a safe haven. We are quite the diverse group and it seems that there isn't any nastiness - just alot of support. Now it can be your turn to get some support from all of us instead of us looking at you.

I am so proud of what you have accomplished - and you are certainly the only "banded and branded" women (or man) that I know!! The best news is that you recognize that you some some issues (god don't we all!) and are working through them. Counseling won't be the magic pill, but it can't hurt. Find someone you feel comfortable with and see how it goes.

We are all here for you to shout at, whine to, cry, stomp your feet, etc. So whatever any of us can do to help you on this next journey of yours just let us know.

Oh BTW, 199!! Holy lapband batman!! You rock!

Debbie

[chocolate_snaps]

I want to thank you for creating this site.

I agree. I didnt know but I joined soon after you started B2G. I found this place just in time, at the at the start of my search and at the height of my desperation. Im on here constantly, reaffirming my commitment to getting banded and finding inspiration and support. Im so glad because this site saved me from that other site, rather THOSE other sites where the negativity overflows.
This is definately a special place.

[chrispygal]

You have worked so hard over the past year, and what an accomplishment to make it to onderland! Congratulations!!!

[lil'bitty]

WOW, **wipes tears from eyes** PN, thank you for sharing your story. I too have missed you around here. Your story is exactly what this wonderful board is all about. Thank you for B2G and for posting the kind of thread that makes us all realize we can succeed! You are a true inspiration! Congratulations on crossing over to Onderland. I hope to join you soon!