One mistake after the other UGH (LONG)

[mrs_christy]

Hey everyone. I wanted to start my own thread because I've really been kind of absent and messing up lately. I've lost 22 lbs in 5 weeks (yay me) but I have been so bad! I keep thinking "Wow Christy that 22 could have been 35 by now" and I just can't shake the voice in my head.

I had no idea that when I began this journey that I would have the demons I have in my head. I used to think I was semi ok with my body and how I look, but the more time goes by the more I realize that I absolutely LOATHE myself. I've only lost 22 lbs and I can see the skin start drooping on my belly and I'm just grossed out. I think "my God how did I let myself go like this". I look at my old pictures and want to just cry because I am so ashamed of myself.

Then I go a day of eating nothing but crap and am mad at myself because I answered my own question. THAT is how you got this way!!! But I do it anyhow. I let food control me. How do I stop doing that? At what point will I be able to say "ummm I'm hungry but who cares". My tummy is not growling so I know I'm not hungry REALLY, just my head.

I got a fill for the first time and it has helped with the hunger ALOT. But I can tell it wasn't quite enough fill because I can still eat a little more than I should. But I really have been pretty good about not eating bread or anything really bad for me. I eat alot of meat or beans before I eat anything else. I eat chips, but only 2-3 not a whole bag. I ate a bite of a cookie and threw the rest away, and I have a jar of candy that I haven't touched. So why do I continue to beat myself up????

I just need to know from all of you how you got rid of these voices in your head. Hell I'd settle to know that I'm not the only one who has them!!! Sappy, pathetic me I guess. I am feeling ULTRA sorry for myself today, and I've lost 5 lbs this week. So it's not as though I'm gaining. Why do I feel this way? Furthermore, I went on a liquid diet for a day because I NEEDED to see a smaller number on the scale. Is that even healthy? I feel confused and overwhelmed and feel like I am some kind of mental case or something. I mean I knew I was a bit "off", but I think I've gone from "off" to MENTAL status. Any thoughts? :der:

[barbara465]

Sounds like you are being a little rough on yourself. We all have issues, and yes we hear voices in our head, or we wouldn't be here. If we could control all of this we wouldn't have needed the band.

You are making great progress and looks like you are where you should be on this journey. Stop beating yourself up. Ask yourself when you are tempted to eat "crap" whether you are eating it because you are hungry or because of something else. Our other emotions, lonliness, sadness, anger, etc. sometimes motivate us to eat. Stoping and asking yourself what is motivating you may give you some insight to what is going on.

Overall, it sounds quite normal to me. One day of liquids isn't going to hurt you, but learning to eat food will help the band work as it should.

Keep your chin up. You can do this.

[Natural-1]

Christy,

You are not mental at all, you are right on schedule for feeling the way you do. Believe me, I think we all have had some level of depression and feeling sorry for ourselves because we can't eat as we use to (or at least not in the same way.)

Hopefully, this will pass and if it doesn't go see a doctor. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. We had a love affair with food and now it's gone, we can't help but feel sorry for ourselves.

For me, I still struggle but not as bad as before, I don't know if I will ever get to the point of food not mattering to me. Just about everything I do revolves around food and I hate that but it's been a part of my life ever since I could remember. My family & friends have always done everything around food.

Now that I have surpassed my goal, I still fight the battle daily. During Thanksgiving week I was on vacation along with DH & I celebrating our anniversary on a cruise. When I got back, I had gained 9lbs:eek: That was an eye opener for me and I went straight to the doctor's office and got a fill. I still don't have restriction but I've managed to get 7lbs off and I am happy about that.

My PT always says a person must change their mind first and then the rest will fall in line, I believe that statement because I am battling with my mind daily.

Anyway, keep up the good work, you've done marvelous! Seek counseling if you feel like you can't do it on your own, it's OK. You are not in the boat alone.

[Kat817]

Oh yeah Christy---I have my own set of voices!!! And I have one of those magic mirrors like in Snow White---only mine is evil. It doesn't tell me I am the most beautiful of all---it tells me I am old & saggy, and all kinds of mean things. The REALLY sad thing, is there is no evil witch---just me doing these things to myself! I am my worst critic!!! I have lost 75 pounds as of this morning, and I have dropped from a size 22/24 to a 14/16....and yet when I look in the mirror---nothing has changed! I understand the anorexic brain in a way I never did prior. Pictures, have been a big help, I SEE them, I SEE a change. I know I feel better---why I battle with myself I have no idea!!!
I don't really have the food issues. My last fill took away all hunger. At this time, I am so busy with Christmas---shopping, decorating, wrapping, cards, helping my Mom, and my MIL with their shopping...the list goes on. Now when January rolls around, I may have to face the snacking without hunger issues.
My weight loss has slowed way down, but is within the normal range, and hopefully taking in a little more will help with the hair shedding....although I tink that is just a time thing. My exercise has went down, I do not walk as much with the mornings being in the single digits---it is just too cold!
Maybe we should send our voices on a permanent vacation!
Good Luck---once the mourning for food passes it gets easier. It is an emotional time for you---I hope it passes quickly--
You can always come here and vent, and let us know what those evil voices had to say!!!
Kat

[JDru]

Christy I am really stuggling with the head hunger too, especially during the past 4-5 days. Plus I've eaten a lot of sugar in the last few days and it seems to have thrown me into a downward spiral. I am going in for my first scheduled fill in about 2 hours and I hope they do it bc I am really having a hard time. I'm actually staring therapy on Thursday too to deal with my food issues as well as all of my other issues. :) I promise you that you are not the only one!! I'm so glad we have the board for support...sometimes it's easy to feel alone in the world. I hope you feel better!!

[Momotrips]

I found that having a taste of sugar over the holiday week threw me off, too. I had a couple of days of extra water and NO SUGAR and more protein than carbs and things settled down a bit in my brain. The voices, they are persistent, aren't they?

I am losing slowly, but steadily, and I've tried to shut the voices off in my head that make me want to eat. Most of the time I'm successful. Other times I struggle. You are being hypercritcal of yourself - you can't be a perfect bandster 100% of the time. If you could, you could have lost weight the old fashioned way, right?

We all choose our battles with ourselves. In fact, this weekend I made a decision that is lifting another weight off of me - I am going to quit my part-time job. My self-hatred stems from my inability to multi-task. I am a terrible housewife. Really. There, I said it. The 15+ hours per week I spend away from my home currently I will now be able to spend doing what I need to do. Just saying out loud that I could not do all things was such a relief. Now I can move ahead instead of stalling and feeling like a failure. I have felt like crap about this for the last two years. It's time to feel better.

My advice is to face your weaknesses head-on and try to find a way to work with them not against them. Acceptance is a freeing thing. Negotiate with yourself. Give yourself options. Don't be so strict with yourself. Don't give up. You can do it with support here, at home and within yourself. We believe in you. Chin up Christy, tomorrow is another day!

[mrs_christy]

Thanks so much everyone, it really is great to know I am not alone. I certainly wish this on nobody, but at least I know I am not losing my mind, only the weight. I weighed my food today for the first time and I find that if I only take what I am allowed to eat to work, I wont over-do it. I am also trying to stay off the scale every day and only weigh once a week, but that is hard! Before I never wanted on one, now I can't stay off it!!! Thanks again everyone, you're the best.

[kebsa]

Hi Christy

I have experienced that sort of negative self talk and have really struggled with it at times- and not just with weight/food issues. Dr Phil suggested one way to help deal with this sought of issue is to challenge it yourself, he suggested that when you start thinking in this way, ask yourself the following 4 questions
1 Is your internal dialogue true
2 Does your internal dialogue serve your best interests
3 Does your internal dialogue advance or protect your health
4 Is your internal dialogue helping you to achieve your weight managment goal

Starting to question myself in this manner has been good for me
regards
karenb
:nod: